I have learned that life is not going to take care of itself. You can ignore it and it will take its own course, but not necessarily the best or correct course. You have to be the captain of your vessel. You have to chart a course. You have to set the sail, and you have to do the legwork in order for your vessel to reach its proper destination. I drifted too long. Now I am back at the helm. A lot more work for myself due to allowing my life to get off course.
I have learned that I have to take time for me. I can never be all that I want to be, if I do not replenish myself. I martyred myself for too long and lost touch with who I am. Or maybe I never took the time to figure out who I am, but I am discovering each day what I am made of, what I want, and who I want to be. A lot more work for me since I let half my life go by, before discovering this.
I have learned that I cannot control everything. Truth is, I can control very little. I must allow people to make their own mistakes. I must allow people to make their own choices. I must allow others to live their life as they see fit, not as I would have them live it. And by *other/people* I mean my children and husband mostly.
I have learned that if you cannot be your authentic self, the person God made you to be, life is exhausting and very frightening. Trying to decide in a split second if the emotion you exhibit is the appropriate emotion, being swayed by any wind that blows because you have no substance behind your convictions, trying to be happy when you don't even know what makes you happy, spending over half your life trying to be what everyone else wants or thinks you should be and not really knowing who or what you are is no way to live. I have a lot more work to do here, because I didn't have real roots and therefore although I could fly, I could never really soar. Having to nuture and protect what little root I have and cultivate growth, fertilizing and feeding as I go, weeding and watering, fighting the pests and parasites that sap my energy and life force.
I hope my children have paid attention as they witnessed my struggle. I hope they have learned some valuable lessons at my expense. It will all have been worth it, if I can help them find their purpose early, help them follow their heart and dreams, so they can be all that God intended them to be on this earth.
I am feeling stronger than I have felt in a very long time. I am taking care of others, but not to the point of self-neglect. I am taking time for myself because I am beginning to really feel that I am worth it. My physical, emotional, and mental states are holding steady even when devastating news hits. I may waver slightly, but at least I am not collapsing and falling apart as I did before.
I have learned that all the old cliches are true, the parables are applicable to life today, the adages have more meaning than I ever gave them credit, and the problem has not been the information. The problem lay in the emotional disconnect. I don't know if I will ever be where I should have been, but I thank Jesus everyday that I am not where I was.
I plan to enjoy the renewal of the season and celebrate a renewal of my life. A life that seems to finally be on the right track to happiness here and a future in the great beyond. Although I have much work to do, I am really convinced that there is a good end in sight for me. In the meantime, I have learned to appreciate the journey. The good, the bad, the indifferent, the ugly. All of it makes up the pages of my life book and serves to make the story interesting, Happy Spring!
