I Wish It Was Me

I wish it was me lying in the hospital bed. I wish it was me whose immunity was near non-existent. I wish it was me who had to drink the contrasting dye for a CT scan. I wish it was me who was "more scared than I have ever been in my life".

But it is not me.  It is my son. My eighteen year old son who has just gotten his life mapped out.  My young man who has decided to serve his country. I am now wondering if this will effect his ability to do that. I don't think that thought has pervaded his young, invincible mindset. I hope it won't be necessary.

In the wee hours of the morning as reality began to sink in, he told me he had never been so scared in his life. I am thankful he can tell me such secrets of the heart, but I think it is the most heart breaking thing I have ever heard him say.

I must admit...I am just a little scared, too.

I just wish it was me...

Short Timing

Time is running short.  I really would like to slow it down.  I feel very blessed that my children have opted to hang out at home for the most part, with only sporadic stints of being away at camp or spending the night with friends.  The vast majority of the time, they invite their friends to our home and I love that.

But school is winding down and we have reached our last week before summer break.  Normally, I love summer's more relaxed routine and lazy days that stretch into the late evening hours, but this summer begins with Micah attending Forestry Camp for a week and upon his return he will immediately go to drill in Montgomery and at the end of that on Sunday, he begins to prepare to leave for 10 weeks of Basic Training.  I am missing him already.

I know it is good preparation for when he leaves home to make his way in the world and I feel truly blessed that things are working out as they are.  I will have him for one more year of school, next summer he will attend AIT, and then he will be home on many weekends once he starts school at Marion Institute, so I am going to have plenty of time to adjust to his absence, but I am wondering if there is ever enough time to get used to the idea that your child is gone. 

It seems unfair that just as he and I are developing a very good relationship, after all the angst of the teenage years, that he is going to be leaving home.  I know it is as it should be, but that does not make it one bit easier for me to let him go. 

I have loved every minute of being a mama and I have never regretted the decision to do so, but had I known the sadness that accompanies the joy would I have still made that choice?  Absolutely! The good, the joy, the happiness, the achievements, the pride, the fun, and the love have been worth every bit of sorrow, angst, frustration, challenge, and difficulty.

Becoming a mama is one of my greatest achievements and I am beyond proud of my children.  They are great kids and I love them with every fiber of my being.  They have my whole heart.

My soldier has my respect, my admiration, my gratitude, my support, and most importantly, my love, always and forever, no matter what life brings.  I hope he knows that he can always come home and he will be welcomed with open arms and all the love in my heart.

God's blessings on you my son!