Had I known how difficult being a mom is, I don't know if I would have become one. Who am I kidding? I love being a mama and I love my children. I am finding that as they grow older it is becoming a much tougher job than I expected, however.
In those first years, they were so dependent on me and I was their world! It was great! Being the control freak that I am, it was right down my alley. My children would bow to my wishes with little or no resistance and any resistance was met with swift correction that got them in line immediately! I was basking in the praise from others about the well-behaved children I was bringing up, how mannerly they were, how sweet, how precious, what a good job I was doing and what a great mom!
Then came the pre-teen years. I should have seen the pendulum swinging in the opposite direction even then, but no! I was in control! I will squelch this and get them all back in line with my discipline, punishment, guilt trips...whatever it takes, I will have control! However, my oldest is very much like me and I must say he learned very well from me. Sharp child, that one! He began to use my own tactics ON ME! He could manipulate with the best of them, argue like an attorney and present his case with authority! He even pulled the guilt trip on me and much to my chagrin, it worked. It worked until I realized what was happening. By then, he had a firm foot hold in the door of my control! He knew all the buttons to push and all the cracks in my armor and was fearless until I brought out my BIG guns...the angry rants and raving! He couldn't withstand those attacks. So for a while, the anger manuever worked, until I realized that I had turned into my daddy. Here comes the guilt again! I don't want to be the angry parent. Sure, righteous anger when necessary, but not ALL the time! It was at this juncture I began to realize that I was as bloody from our battles as he was, but he had an advantage...he is young and has energy that has long ago left me. I was tired from banging my bloody head against the proverbial wall. Oh yes, I got temporary results, but I am looking for long term results.
So after talking to my regular therapist and while looking up information about military academies online, I decided to phone an old friend who is a counselor. After finding out pertinent information about my oldest, he proceeded to tell me that my mothering days were over about two years ago. That in every other world culture, my son would be well on his way to manhood. In Africa, the rites of passage would be complete, in Jewish culture he would already be Barmitzvahed and that psycologically and physiologically, my son knows that he has to grow up. He is trying to do that and I am still trying to mother him. I am crushed. Where is my control now?
He continues with an explanation, that I must now become the mentoring mom for him. He has to stay in school(the law requires it, no choice for him there), he will be living with us until he is self-supporting or reaches majority(also law, no choice for him), and while those are in effect, he will have to follow our rules or suffer consequences(which he has, he doesn't like it, but he is complying). He said that physiologically and psychologically, he must be on his own to make some choices and let the chips fall where they may. He will have to suffer consequences for poor choices, it will hurt him and I will weep. He will reap rewards for good choices and we will be proud and rejoice. But ultimately, he has to learn hard lessons and that requires me letting him make decisions that may have bad outcomes. Why did I ever think I had control of anything?
In reality, I know he is right. The book(
Parenting with Love and Logic) that my therapist gave me for homework echoes everything he said. He did make me feel better by telling me that although he doesn't know my son personally, he knows that he is a great kid because he knows me and knows that I am a good mom. He said that he has every reason to believe that my son will grow up to be a fine man, because he has a good mama that has given him what he needs to be one. I hope he is right, dear God in heaven please, let him be right! My precious son's future is at stake here. His whole existance is on the line. Please, God fill in my gaps and help him be all that you would have him be!
I always thought I would have 18 years to teach my children and in reality, I do. I just wonder if I taught enough given the fact that the situation changed on me and I was totally unaware of that dynamic until I was in the middle of it. My job is far from over but it has taken on a new twist and it has thrown me for a bit of a loop.
For those of you who have young children, your time as a mother is shorter than you think. Make it count. Every minute, every moment, every second is valuable and precious. Teach your little ones responsibility from an early age, so you have more time to help them through the tough consequences while they are still living with you. No one told me that in a way that I actually HEARD them, so please LISTEN. It may save you and your child some angst and grief later. Grandparents TELL your daughters that their role as mother will change at about the preteen time, so they need to get in all the teaching they can before then.
Parenting truly is not a job for cowards or wimps. It is tough, but by far, still the greatest accomplishment in my life. The joy, the love, the wonderful, the fabulous, the good, most definately outweigh the challenges and glitches we have experienced.
I know that in the end, it will all have been worth the struggles and hardships.
I have three good-hearted, wonderful, children and I have hope they will be no less, when they make their passage through to the other side of this phase in life into adulthood.
Pikeville, Kentucky
