My life (and the lives of my siblings) has been overtaken by the care of our parents, as of late. In the last few years, it has come in spurts, but when it hits, it REALLY takes over our existence as we know it.
My Mama is 86 and my Daddy is about to be 91 in October. What an accomplishment! To be on this earth that long and still be living independently! They are in good shape for their ages and until something goes wrong, they require little assistance. I might have to go change a light bulb that Mama can't reach without climbing on something, etc., but for the most part they are amazingly independent of us.
But as time marches on, they need us more and more. Following a surgery or one of Daddy's accidents, we are there 24/7 caring for them. It is tiring. Let me be honest...it is exhausting. The worry, being on call even when it is not your time to sit with them, the errands, the medication that needs to be administered all. day. long., taking care of their needs and comforts, scheduling our lives around when we need to relieve someone of their shift as caregiver...the list is endless and it is as emotionally taxing as it is physically. But we are there!
We are there, because we love, honor, and respect our parents. Surely, the inconveniences that we caused them, the stress, the strain of raising and supporting 6 children was just as great for them, as our care for them becomes at times, now for us. And not just us, but our children as well. They have invested time in the lives of our little ones, helping to shape them into the wonderful people they are. So it is with a glad heart and a spirit of gratitude for all they contributed to our well-being for all those years, that we freely give our time and attention to them, in these golden years of their lives.
However, we are not spring chickens anymore ourselves and the strain begins to wear us down, as the time drags on and they still need us there. So we have made the decision to seek out assistance. It is a difficult thing for my parents to accept that they need someone there with them, but WE need to feel that they are safe and have someone there to make certain they are doing well. We all have obligations that pull us away from them, children, jobs, life in general, that require us to be able to get back to some sort of normalcy.
So here we are. As my sister says, "It is, what it is" and this is our reality. We can only do the best that we know to do and for now, it is to seek out help, in order to allow them to keep their independence and live together in the home they have shared for over 50 years.
To my siblings...God bless you all for what you do and all you have done for Mama and Daddy. I truly don't know what an only child would do in our situation, but I am sooooo grateful that I don't have to know that first hand. In the midst of this latest turmoil, I know that you tried not to overburden me, because of my recent diagnosis. I know you have taken on the "lion's share" of the labor of love in caring for Mama and Daddy. Words are inadequate to express the appreciation that is in my heart. You made this time so much easier for me and I know that had to be so much more difficult on you. There is not enough I can even begin to say to thank you for your love and support of me. You are the best and I am so blessed to have you in my life.
As I have said before (and maybe,to remind myself)there will come a day when this will all be over and I know that I will wish with all my heart that I could take care of Mama and Daddy once again. As difficult as it can be at times, I know I will miss this so much, when they are gone.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
The Time of Your Life
Autumn. It is my favorite time of year and it is approaching. I am revived and renewed by her cool, crisp nights, and days that feature white, fluffy clouds dancing with the wind in a bluer-than-blue sky. I begin to anticipate the changing colors that bedeck the trees and foliage, the pumpkins, apples, and squash that thrive in the cool temperatures of autumn. She plays hostess to my favorite holidays and I am looking forward to autumn's arrival. There is nothing wrong with that, but...
I realized recently, that I spend a lot of time anticipating things in my life and waiting for things to happen. I waste too much time allowing circimstance to dictate the outcome of my future. I have just eased along life's road and taken what was dealt me without question, without pause, without argument. Oh, I may have mumbled under my breath, but never uttered an audible word.
So, in essence, I have given away my power to happenstance. I don't know when it happened or how it happened, but it happened. I got lost in the shuffle of my life and the chaos that surrounds it. I lost my best friend - me.
The good news is, I am finding her again. The bad news is, she is not the same as the younger version I left behind. It is a whole new relationship that I must forge with her. I do not know this person as well as the person she was before, but I am liking her.
She is not aggressive like the other Girl, but she is more assertive. She is not an angry person who can lose her cool in an instant, but she is more even tempered and shows more respect for those she loves. This new girl is less afraid of living her life instead of existing in it as the other Girl did. She is an adult and not afraid to act like one. She is so much more the person that I want to be. She still has some learning and growing to do, but I really like this person.
I have decided that I have to take care of me. What a silly thing to have to state, in writing or out loud, but I am so good at putting myself last, allowing everyone and everything to take precedence and it has been to my detriment. My diabetes has proven to me that I, and I alone can do what has to be done for me. I MUST do it to live a normal, healthy life. Some may find me selfish and to them I say yes, yes I am. Because I must be to regain and maintain my health.
So, my new mantra is ~ It is my diabetes, it is my life. That is to say, that I fully understand that I contributed to my disease, but I am taking charge of my life to control and manage it, from this point on.
I am focusing on living in the here and now because today, this day is the time of my life and I intend to make the most of it.
I realized recently, that I spend a lot of time anticipating things in my life and waiting for things to happen. I waste too much time allowing circimstance to dictate the outcome of my future. I have just eased along life's road and taken what was dealt me without question, without pause, without argument. Oh, I may have mumbled under my breath, but never uttered an audible word.
So, in essence, I have given away my power to happenstance. I don't know when it happened or how it happened, but it happened. I got lost in the shuffle of my life and the chaos that surrounds it. I lost my best friend - me.
The good news is, I am finding her again. The bad news is, she is not the same as the younger version I left behind. It is a whole new relationship that I must forge with her. I do not know this person as well as the person she was before, but I am liking her.
She is not aggressive like the other Girl, but she is more assertive. She is not an angry person who can lose her cool in an instant, but she is more even tempered and shows more respect for those she loves. This new girl is less afraid of living her life instead of existing in it as the other Girl did. She is an adult and not afraid to act like one. She is so much more the person that I want to be. She still has some learning and growing to do, but I really like this person.
I have decided that I have to take care of me. What a silly thing to have to state, in writing or out loud, but I am so good at putting myself last, allowing everyone and everything to take precedence and it has been to my detriment. My diabetes has proven to me that I, and I alone can do what has to be done for me. I MUST do it to live a normal, healthy life. Some may find me selfish and to them I say yes, yes I am. Because I must be to regain and maintain my health.
So, my new mantra is ~ It is my diabetes, it is my life. That is to say, that I fully understand that I contributed to my disease, but I am taking charge of my life to control and manage it, from this point on.
I am focusing on living in the here and now because today, this day is the time of my life and I intend to make the most of it.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
How Quickly Life Changes...
Welcome to my Pity Party!
I reread my post on June 30th and wondered if I could be any different from that person who exuded joy in trial and faith and trust in adversity. My life was no rosier then than it is now, but we have had some strange turn of events that have altered, hopefully temporarily, my state of mind.
At a yearly check up with my doctor, he asked the usual questions and I obliged him with my answers and at the end of the conversation, he told me that he believes me to be diabetic. I was shocked, to say the least. I must admit that a couple of weeks ago, I made mention to Michael that I wondered if I might have diabetes, but he helped me explain away any symptoms I was exhibiting and I readily agreed with him and so, had put it out of my mind. I won't know with any certainty until the lab work is completed, but I trust my doctor and he has never been wrong before with his pre-lab diagnosis.
I feel so tired today...depression? I feel fearful...uncertainty? I feel overwhelmed...worry? Could I be more different than I was in my last post?
On top of all that, my mama is having a pacemaker put in tomorrow. I got that call this morning while still reeling from the probable diabetes diagnosis. I hate to even type that word...diabetes. I can't think straight, from all this new developement in my life.
School is about to begin and along with the normal chaos, Micah will be home schooling this year. I am sure that after a long talk with myself, I will rally and be fine...I always am, but today, I am just not myself...at all.
Still, I decided to take this bull by the horns, starting this morning. I have lost 21 lbs. since my last check up and that is good, so I decided that I would do my aerobics this morning, in hopes of losing more weight and maybe turn this thing around...50 minutes worth. I also had Splenda in my coffee, but that is the easy part. I now have to learn HOW to eat and what to eat and when to eat and what to stay away from...confusing, at best.
I know millions live with diabetes and have a pretty normal life...I am having to adjust to this "new" normal. I fully expect to experience anger at some point, along with the fear, depression, and worry, just don't know when. Although I know this is manageable, I am not happy about it and I am just kicking myself for putting everyone else ahead of me and letting myself get into this run-down, stressed out, chronic diabetic, shape. I should have taken better care of ME!
Well, thanks for coming to my Party! Hate it was so depressing and troubling, but that is my sentiment today. Hopefully, the next post will see the person that wrote on the 30th of June... all smiles and optimistic about the future...today, I just don't have it in me. Sorry...just full of regret, today.
I reread my post on June 30th and wondered if I could be any different from that person who exuded joy in trial and faith and trust in adversity. My life was no rosier then than it is now, but we have had some strange turn of events that have altered, hopefully temporarily, my state of mind.
At a yearly check up with my doctor, he asked the usual questions and I obliged him with my answers and at the end of the conversation, he told me that he believes me to be diabetic. I was shocked, to say the least. I must admit that a couple of weeks ago, I made mention to Michael that I wondered if I might have diabetes, but he helped me explain away any symptoms I was exhibiting and I readily agreed with him and so, had put it out of my mind. I won't know with any certainty until the lab work is completed, but I trust my doctor and he has never been wrong before with his pre-lab diagnosis.
I feel so tired today...depression? I feel fearful...uncertainty? I feel overwhelmed...worry? Could I be more different than I was in my last post?
On top of all that, my mama is having a pacemaker put in tomorrow. I got that call this morning while still reeling from the probable diabetes diagnosis. I hate to even type that word...diabetes. I can't think straight, from all this new developement in my life.
School is about to begin and along with the normal chaos, Micah will be home schooling this year. I am sure that after a long talk with myself, I will rally and be fine...I always am, but today, I am just not myself...at all.
Still, I decided to take this bull by the horns, starting this morning. I have lost 21 lbs. since my last check up and that is good, so I decided that I would do my aerobics this morning, in hopes of losing more weight and maybe turn this thing around...50 minutes worth. I also had Splenda in my coffee, but that is the easy part. I now have to learn HOW to eat and what to eat and when to eat and what to stay away from...confusing, at best.
I know millions live with diabetes and have a pretty normal life...I am having to adjust to this "new" normal. I fully expect to experience anger at some point, along with the fear, depression, and worry, just don't know when. Although I know this is manageable, I am not happy about it and I am just kicking myself for putting everyone else ahead of me and letting myself get into this run-down, stressed out, chronic diabetic, shape. I should have taken better care of ME!
Well, thanks for coming to my Party! Hate it was so depressing and troubling, but that is my sentiment today. Hopefully, the next post will see the person that wrote on the 30th of June... all smiles and optimistic about the future...today, I just don't have it in me. Sorry...just full of regret, today.
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