I Believe I Found My Smile

I have been through a great deal of tragedy for which I was ill-prepared.  I had few life skills, little self-esteem, no concept of who I am or what I truly believed in, and no idea how to acquire those.  I had physical skills, but not much relationship training, no clear boundaries with those I interacted with daily, and a vast range of emotions that in the end had me stagnant in a sea of fear.  I have never felt so lost in my life.  I have never felt so wretched.  I have never been so frozen.  I have never been so reclusive.  I lived in fear of tomorrow and all it could potentially hold.  I could see very little good.  I knew very little hope. I felt very little joy.  It was a garish nightmare experience that consumed my whole self.

Through circumstances beyond my control, I was delayed in seeking professional help.  Once counseling ensued and medication was prescribed,  I find all that was lost is returning.  I have hope springing eternal once again.  I see some good in even dismal situations.  I feel fear only fleetingly.  I have found my laughter and my smile.  I feel joy, even when nothing eventful is happening in my life.  Mostly, I feel gratitude for my salvation from that dark, lonely place in which I lived for so long.  Having been THERE, I can appreciate HERE so much more.

My challenge now is to continue my therapy and medications, even though I am feeling healed.  I know there is still much work to be done, more skills to be learned, and more issues to tackle.  I cannot imagine a better feeling than I already have attained, but somehow I know there is more, if I just keep searching. 

Life is becoming richer, fuller, deeper, better.  Best yet, it is becoming simpler and balanced.  Once again, I can say "Life is good".  That has been a long time coming. 

All-State Choral Festival 2012

I am completely exhausted after a whirlwind trip to Birmingham for All-State with Callie, but what a great time we had!  It was worth every single minute of lost sleep and time usually spent relaxing that was sacrificed for the benefit of seeing her blossom and grow as she was able to be a part of something so much bigger than herself.

If Callie never gets to go again, it was a great experience made all the more special by a most wonderful clinician, Dr. Sandra Snow.  In only a very small amount of time Dr. Snow connected with every one of the 250 girls in the SSA Choir.  She instilled in them so much more than lessons in music theory and performance.  She touched them emotionally, spiritually, and mentally as she built them up and proved to them how vital they are.  I am encouraged knowing she is traveling the country doing this very thing for thousands of young ladies every week. 

One of the songs Dr. Snow chose to perform was entitled,  Letter From A Girl To The World.  It emphasized the turmoil of a young girl trying to find her way in this big world. 

In my heart there are hopes and dreams and all different beautiful things.
In my heart there's a sunrise glowing and a warmth that holds me there.
Do you know who I am?  Do you really know?
Cause you can't tell from looking at me
That underneath all this happiness inside
There's a part of me nobody sees.
Am I good enough, am I pretty enough?
Will I learn not care what other's think?
Will others see God's love in me?

The above is just a small exerpt from the lyrics of the song that so poignantly and profoundly described the struggles and doubts that challenge a young woman's heart.  Dr. Snow chose these pieces of music specifically for these girls.  She also produced a rousing rendition of Ain't No Grave, a negro spiritual that was powerful and moving.  It was an all-around, well-balanced, education for the ladies who were talented enough to be chosen; the best of the best vocalists in our state.  What an honor for Callie, but an honor for me as well, to be a part of such a trememdous congregation of vocal, instrumental, and educational talent.

Dr. Snow told the girls about studies that performed MRIs of the brain  while viewing and executing certain functions.  The study showed that performing certain tasks such as reading would light up a certain lobe of the brain, video games ignited a different lobe, and TV hardly lit up anything, but she said that when listening to or performing music the entire brain was illuminated.  She told them how music involves every subject in their current academic curriculum.  Physics and Science are used in creating instruments, Math is used in writing musical scores and music theory, English Literature and Language are heavily involved in vocals, and the History behind the music and the era from which each piece originated is key.  Music is so integral a part of our lives and so unappreciated.  I daresay I have never asked anyone, "Do you like music?"  Everyone likes music of one form or another.  Every nationality, every race, every creed, every tribe, every facet of world-wide society knows and loves music of some genre. 

Music is at the heart and in the very soul of us.  The importance of music whether instrumental or vocal cannot not be denied.  Music paints colorful images on the canvas of life and it does not discriminate.  It is a part of us all.