We Are Moving

We have been approved for the purchase of a mobile home.  That is good in many ways.  It is also bad in many ways. 

THE GOOD:
The mobile home is spacious and beautiful.

It will be much easier to keep clean.

We will be out of the city lights where the stars shine brighter and wildlife lives and roams.

I was able to get financing on my own and get the payments lowered from our current payment amount, so we will save a good sum of money each month.

Timely payments will boost my credit, which has been non-existant for many years.

I think we will still have enough space for my family Thanksgiving gathering.  A little more crowded, but not much.  : )

We have all the furniture we need and then some for the move. No added expense there.

The children are happy with the new living quarters.



THE BAD:
I don't want to leave my house.  I love where we live and have thoroughly enjoyed the last three years residence there. 

I really thought I had moved for the last time and do not relish the idea of doing it again.

I am going to be living in a mobile home.  That was on my Bucket List of things to NEVER do. Never say never, I guess.

It will be smaller living space than we have now.

It will be further out in the country.

We may not be able to get cable service.

We will have to vote in Butler County.

THE UGLY:
We will now have a septic tank and all the problems that entails.

We have a yard that is overgrown with brambles and poison ivy.

We are Black Widow spider infested. Oh, dear Father in heaven! That is my one huge bug-type fear.  Spiders! Ugh!

We have a lot of stuff to get rid of that will require tossing, selling, and giving away.

I have farther to drive to work, church, Mama's, etc.

I will no longer feel safe when tornadoes and hurricane season are here.

I no longer have a garage or carport, nor a paved driveway.

THE BEAUTIFUL:
We are blessed beyond measure and certainly beyond what we deserve.

We are thankful for not only a roof over our heads, but a lovely roof as well.

We are appreciative of having options in a time when so many others have none.

We are choosing to find the positive in this situation and bloom where we are planted. 

We are aware of the ever present God we serve and grateful for His providence, protection, love, support, and care where we are concerned.

Living room

Master bath

Master bath

Kitchen and Utility Room

Kitchen and Utility Room

Dining Area

Den

Den

Den, Dining, and Kitchen

Second Bath

Dining, Kitchen, and Living Room

Front of our new home

Three Weeks From Today

At this very hour, three weeks from today, I will be hugging and kissing my soldier son!  He will have completed qualifications for becoming a soldier and will only have graduation to complete before becoming one of America's finest defenders.  I could not be more proud of him. 

I sent a boy to Basic Combat Training and in his stead a full-fledged man will return.  He has grown and changed so much.  His letters attest to the evolution that has taken place to transform him from the former to the latter. 

I must admit that as excited as I am to see him, I am somewhat nervous, as well.  Although my heart tells me he is my son and our bond is stronger than any amount of distance could destroy, my head tells me he will not be the same person and there is some anxiety about reaquainting myself with him as the new man. 

In my wildest imagination, I could never have guessed that I would find these last few weeks to be harder than the first.  I suspect initially I was in shock or denial, but as reality set in, I found myself reclusive and depressed, clinging to each letter from him as if it were the last shred of his essence I would encounter.  That has given way to fluctuating emotions; a full spectrum of feelings from anger, sorrow, grief, excitement, joy, trepidation, pride, and always, always love.

We are in the home stretch now and barring any injuries or illness, he will graduate and come home very soon.  I expect a call in two weeks and am so anticipating hearing his voice and being able to actually speak with him for the first time since June.

I plan to give him a welcome home that is fit for a soldier returning from war.  Banners, signs, smiles, hugs, kisses, and love, lots of love! 

HOOAH!

First Day of Summer

My girls are enjoying spending time with their daddy this summer.  Micah is off at Basic so they have him all to themselves all day, every day.  They have been swimming, shopping, playing in the yard, and actually getting a little work done, as well.

I am keeping up with Micah as best I can through a blog that is on Facebook.  Bravo Company completed rappelling Victory Tower yesterday.  They have been issued guns, are marching, and got a couple of PT sessions under their belts.  I am so proud of him I could just burst!

My supervisor is leaving.  Tomorrow is her last day.  I am very sad about that because she has been a great boss. She has been so understanding and helpful.  I am sure that her replacement will do just as good a job as she, but I will still miss her tremendously.

It is officially the first day of summer.  It will be gone before we know it. 

My Soldier, My Son

Micah left on Monday, June 11, 2012 headed for Gunter Air Force Base to prepare for Basic Training at Fort Jackson, South Carolina.  I was under the impression that I would probably receive a phone call from him each Sunday.  We were so very wrong.  He called me Thursday, June 14, 2012 and that will be the last time I hear his voice until his 9th week of Basic, one week before his graduation.  He truly left here a boy and will emerge as a man upon his return. 

I am so proud of him.  I am so concerned about him.  I am so missing him.  I love him more than words can say.  It is the most awful bag of mixed emotions for me.  I am flip-flopping from one to another at any given moment.  The thing that helps me keep it together is thinking of the adjusting and the difficulty he must be experiencing.  Mine pales in comparison.  I think he is so incredibly brave.  To leave home, knowing you can't come back until the time is up.  To leave all that is familiar and venture into the unknown at such a young age, is far more than I considered when I was 18 and a Senior in high school.

In 9th grade, Micah was drifting and had no real direction in life.  We were quite concerned about his lack of initiative and planning for his future.  Once he began JROTC, he was off and running.  He had a plan, a purpose, a goal, a path, and a means to get where he wanted to go.  We could not be prouder of him and we believe he chose wisely when he decided to get a jumpstart with the Army.  He is being all he can be and he is Army Strong!  I guess, that means I have to be as well.  After all, I am officially and Army Mom, now.

Pins and Needles

Micah is scheduled to see an Oncology Hematologist on Thursday and I am a bit uneasy about it.  I am certainly hoping for the best and praying the worst doesn't come. 

I find it strange that something cancerous would come on suddenly like this, but it still has me somewhat concerned.

My prayer is that if it is some form of cancer, that it is easily treatable and that I get to keep my family intact.

Pins and needles...

Perhaps I am Hypersensitive

My son came home yesterday.  His numbers have or are regulating, but he is understandably tired and weak from his ordeal.  He was finally diagnosed with some sort of viral infection that still has his spleen slightly enlarged.  Any jarring of even the slightest nature causes pain in his abdomen just from the sensitivity of the enlarged organ.
He is supposed to attend Forestry Camp next week and the Basic Training the following week.  The prospect of these two events have me a bit unnerved.  I am not so sure he is up to camp much less Basic.  The doctors gave strict instructions that he was to be involved in no contact sport or strenuous activity for three to six months.  How is he going to make it through Basic?
He says he is fine and I am being over protective, but my best mama instincts are telling me to keep him home and let him heal.
His Sargeant is coming to evaluate him today and make a report.  Hopefully, he will see things my way. 

I Wish It Was Me

I wish it was me lying in the hospital bed. I wish it was me whose immunity was near non-existent. I wish it was me who had to drink the contrasting dye for a CT scan. I wish it was me who was "more scared than I have ever been in my life".

But it is not me.  It is my son. My eighteen year old son who has just gotten his life mapped out.  My young man who has decided to serve his country. I am now wondering if this will effect his ability to do that. I don't think that thought has pervaded his young, invincible mindset. I hope it won't be necessary.

In the wee hours of the morning as reality began to sink in, he told me he had never been so scared in his life. I am thankful he can tell me such secrets of the heart, but I think it is the most heart breaking thing I have ever heard him say.

I must admit...I am just a little scared, too.

I just wish it was me...

Short Timing

Time is running short.  I really would like to slow it down.  I feel very blessed that my children have opted to hang out at home for the most part, with only sporadic stints of being away at camp or spending the night with friends.  The vast majority of the time, they invite their friends to our home and I love that.

But school is winding down and we have reached our last week before summer break.  Normally, I love summer's more relaxed routine and lazy days that stretch into the late evening hours, but this summer begins with Micah attending Forestry Camp for a week and upon his return he will immediately go to drill in Montgomery and at the end of that on Sunday, he begins to prepare to leave for 10 weeks of Basic Training.  I am missing him already.

I know it is good preparation for when he leaves home to make his way in the world and I feel truly blessed that things are working out as they are.  I will have him for one more year of school, next summer he will attend AIT, and then he will be home on many weekends once he starts school at Marion Institute, so I am going to have plenty of time to adjust to his absence, but I am wondering if there is ever enough time to get used to the idea that your child is gone. 

It seems unfair that just as he and I are developing a very good relationship, after all the angst of the teenage years, that he is going to be leaving home.  I know it is as it should be, but that does not make it one bit easier for me to let him go. 

I have loved every minute of being a mama and I have never regretted the decision to do so, but had I known the sadness that accompanies the joy would I have still made that choice?  Absolutely! The good, the joy, the happiness, the achievements, the pride, the fun, and the love have been worth every bit of sorrow, angst, frustration, challenge, and difficulty.

Becoming a mama is one of my greatest achievements and I am beyond proud of my children.  They are great kids and I love them with every fiber of my being.  They have my whole heart.

My soldier has my respect, my admiration, my gratitude, my support, and most importantly, my love, always and forever, no matter what life brings.  I hope he knows that he can always come home and he will be welcomed with open arms and all the love in my heart.

God's blessings on you my son!

I Believe I Found My Smile

I have been through a great deal of tragedy for which I was ill-prepared.  I had few life skills, little self-esteem, no concept of who I am or what I truly believed in, and no idea how to acquire those.  I had physical skills, but not much relationship training, no clear boundaries with those I interacted with daily, and a vast range of emotions that in the end had me stagnant in a sea of fear.  I have never felt so lost in my life.  I have never felt so wretched.  I have never been so frozen.  I have never been so reclusive.  I lived in fear of tomorrow and all it could potentially hold.  I could see very little good.  I knew very little hope. I felt very little joy.  It was a garish nightmare experience that consumed my whole self.

Through circumstances beyond my control, I was delayed in seeking professional help.  Once counseling ensued and medication was prescribed,  I find all that was lost is returning.  I have hope springing eternal once again.  I see some good in even dismal situations.  I feel fear only fleetingly.  I have found my laughter and my smile.  I feel joy, even when nothing eventful is happening in my life.  Mostly, I feel gratitude for my salvation from that dark, lonely place in which I lived for so long.  Having been THERE, I can appreciate HERE so much more.

My challenge now is to continue my therapy and medications, even though I am feeling healed.  I know there is still much work to be done, more skills to be learned, and more issues to tackle.  I cannot imagine a better feeling than I already have attained, but somehow I know there is more, if I just keep searching. 

Life is becoming richer, fuller, deeper, better.  Best yet, it is becoming simpler and balanced.  Once again, I can say "Life is good".  That has been a long time coming. 

All-State Choral Festival 2012

I am completely exhausted after a whirlwind trip to Birmingham for All-State with Callie, but what a great time we had!  It was worth every single minute of lost sleep and time usually spent relaxing that was sacrificed for the benefit of seeing her blossom and grow as she was able to be a part of something so much bigger than herself.

If Callie never gets to go again, it was a great experience made all the more special by a most wonderful clinician, Dr. Sandra Snow.  In only a very small amount of time Dr. Snow connected with every one of the 250 girls in the SSA Choir.  She instilled in them so much more than lessons in music theory and performance.  She touched them emotionally, spiritually, and mentally as she built them up and proved to them how vital they are.  I am encouraged knowing she is traveling the country doing this very thing for thousands of young ladies every week. 

One of the songs Dr. Snow chose to perform was entitled,  Letter From A Girl To The World.  It emphasized the turmoil of a young girl trying to find her way in this big world. 

In my heart there are hopes and dreams and all different beautiful things.
In my heart there's a sunrise glowing and a warmth that holds me there.
Do you know who I am?  Do you really know?
Cause you can't tell from looking at me
That underneath all this happiness inside
There's a part of me nobody sees.
Am I good enough, am I pretty enough?
Will I learn not care what other's think?
Will others see God's love in me?

The above is just a small exerpt from the lyrics of the song that so poignantly and profoundly described the struggles and doubts that challenge a young woman's heart.  Dr. Snow chose these pieces of music specifically for these girls.  She also produced a rousing rendition of Ain't No Grave, a negro spiritual that was powerful and moving.  It was an all-around, well-balanced, education for the ladies who were talented enough to be chosen; the best of the best vocalists in our state.  What an honor for Callie, but an honor for me as well, to be a part of such a trememdous congregation of vocal, instrumental, and educational talent.

Dr. Snow told the girls about studies that performed MRIs of the brain  while viewing and executing certain functions.  The study showed that performing certain tasks such as reading would light up a certain lobe of the brain, video games ignited a different lobe, and TV hardly lit up anything, but she said that when listening to or performing music the entire brain was illuminated.  She told them how music involves every subject in their current academic curriculum.  Physics and Science are used in creating instruments, Math is used in writing musical scores and music theory, English Literature and Language are heavily involved in vocals, and the History behind the music and the era from which each piece originated is key.  Music is so integral a part of our lives and so unappreciated.  I daresay I have never asked anyone, "Do you like music?"  Everyone likes music of one form or another.  Every nationality, every race, every creed, every tribe, every facet of world-wide society knows and loves music of some genre. 

Music is at the heart and in the very soul of us.  The importance of music whether instrumental or vocal cannot not be denied.  Music paints colorful images on the canvas of life and it does not discriminate.  It is a part of us all.

And So It Begins

My recovery has begun.  I started my medication Friday night, I am reading Codependent No More, and trying to be gentle with myself as I sort through this mess I call my life.   I am encouraged.  Elizabeth seems to know what she is talking about and she doesn't let either of us get by with too much.  


I am realizing, I am not crazy and there is hope.  Many others have walked this path and come out on the other side intact and better for the journey.  So much of what is written in this book is so me.  It is as if someone took  excerpts from my journal.


I am not really feeling yet.  I have had some glimpses of emotion, but nothing tangible.  I am told it will take somewhere between 2 and 4 weeks for the medication to kick in.  I suppose it may take that long to feel anything but what has already consumed me.  


I am unsure whether others will understand this or not.  I am not sure I understand it, but it resonates with me as I read about it and that lends credibility to the book and the theory in my eyes.  


Anxiously awaiting spring and new beginnings.  

Blogging to God One

Why don't you rescue me?

 Even as I type I know that answer.  I have seen what my good intentioned rescue attempts have done for my children.  I believe it cripples them when I do everything for them.  On the other hand, it empowers them when I allow them to try, whether they succeed or fail.

The very act of trying builds determination and confidence. It fuels a sense of self and a sense of  accomplishment.   If they succeed, they have gained knowledge and ability that will be useful throughout their lives and when they fall, it is important to be there to help pick them up so they can try it again and even still, they gain knowledge that will be useful later.

Perhaps this is where I feel You have abandoned me.  Maybe I feel as if You are not helping me pick myself up.   I need You to help me put the pieces back together again.  I have fallen and each time I begin to rise something else knocks me down.  Help me put this mess I call my life back in some semblance of order. 

In my head, I know You would not abandon me.  In my heart, I wonder where You are and why You are keeping Your distance.  I know You are there.  Why won't You engage?

With the photos above, I am considering that maybe I haven't fallen, but am trying to escape the fear that is binding me.  Is that what You are trying to tell me?  Are my wings not strong enough, yet?
I sure wish I had more clues so I could figure this out.

Valentine's Day

I am still alive and in fact, happy to report that I am keeping it together through the stress.  I am journaling nearly daily and blogging (of course) when I can.  I am very much looking forward to our appointment on Thursday with the couselors. 

We are still awaiting checks so we can pay bills and get caught up.  Our booth at Hidden Treasures is doing well enough for now. 

I am trying so hard to find the bright spot in each instance.  I am forcing myself to ignore the guilt or shame or whatever it is.  I don't know if that is best, but for now it is necessary.  Until my couselor tells me what else to do with it, at least.

The anger and resentment are still festering, but they are at bay and under control.  I just don't understand why I am such a mess emotionally. 

But today is Heart Day and my life is filled with love and people who care about me.  Michael has been trying really hard to make things better for us.  He just doesn't seem to know exactly what to do and I am no help, because I am just as befuddled as he.  I do appreciate his effort and it has not escaped me.  It does make me feel a little less antsy. 

Here's hoping Thursday brings much relief and assistance.  Just two more days...

Vulnerability in Learning

I am preparing Valentine goodies for the most special people in my life.  I am making cupcakes, iced sugar cookies, brownies, and heart shaped cakes.


Not too long ago, I had money to buy gifts for others.  I had much more time at home than I do now, but I wouldn't take the time to prepare something "homemade" because I never felt that was good enough.  My dysfunction has bled into every facet of my life it seems.  


I can see there are lessons to be learned here.  There is opportunity for growth.  I am finding wisdom and prudence in the circumstance that has become my life.  I am proud of that discovery.  It is the difference between thinking I am being patient because although I am waiting, I am grumbling under my breath, as opposed to waiting with a smile on my face, knowing that to everything there is a purpose in God's world and even though I don't understand it, I have the faith to believe it is for my benefit.


Every circumstance in life offers opportunities for learning.  I can choose to sit back, sulk, and ignore them as they march past me, or I can sit up and take notice, then effect a positive change in my attitude and my life.


It is to that end, I am baking up a storm today.  I am using my abilities and giving of my time and energy to show those who matter to me how much I appreciate them being a part of my life.


That may seem small and petty to some, but for me it is a big step.  It feels as if I am putting my very spirit in the hands of someone else to either accept or destroy.  Who would ever think that baking a batch of goodies should be so frightening?  


I will put aside my angst, don my apron, and get to the task at hand.  And for once, I don't need any wishes of luck or prayers on my behalf.  I think God and I have got this one covered.  It feels like a little progress has been made.  Perhaps I can keep moving in this direction for a long while.  

Who Am I

This is the new thinking I am adopting.  The first one I share because I think it not only applies to me, but I need to apply it to everyone I encounter.  I tend to judge my "inside" by other people's "outside".  I forget that behind every smile there lurks an unshed tear.  Beneath every laugh, there is or has been a painful groan.  Everyone has pain.  Everyone has problems and challenges. Everyone has sorrow.  We all learn to mask it well.  I am the world's worst to cover or worse yet, stuff my feelings.  I have made mention that I am a master at being a chameleon.  I can be whatever and whoever I need to be.  I really want to find out who I am.  I really don't know how I feel about many things.  I don't know what is my truth.  I don't know what is real.  I am unauthentic, hiding behind what I think might be what others expect me to be.  I want to be real and authentic.  I believe God made me to be what He wants me to be and whether through environment, genetics, or circumstance, I have lost my way.  

The second picture is to remind myself that I cannot expect to make much headway if I am perpetually criticizing myself and belittling my own existence.  It is my reminder that I am God's child, his adopted daughter and He loves me.  Jesus cares enough that He saved me.  The Holy Spirit is so concerned that He lives within me to give me aid.  I know all this in my head.  I just don't feel it in my heart.  The heart is what He wants, right?  That is such a scary thought to me, but not knowing what is real and true for me, makes me extremely vulnerable to other people's opinions.  I am equally vulnerable to ghosts of the past and the guilt and shame I allow them to inflict on me.  

I am in a very uncomfortable place.  A place where I don't feel worthy, I don't feel accepted (because no one, not even I, knows the real me).  A place where I even wonder how anyone could love me.  I understand they love the person they see, but they have not seen the real deal yet.  I live in fear that one day someone will see me as I really am, perhaps before I know who I really am, and they will find that I am just as worthless as I feel.  Again, my head knows better, my heart?  Not so much.

I am anxious to get back to Elizabeth.  Impatient to improve.  Ready to know who I am and what I feel.  I know it will not be easy.  Sometimes it may not even be pretty, but I am ready to find myself, love myself, appreciate myself, and hopefully my children will see the change and will not be too scarred by my actions prior.

The Battle Between Worry and Peace

The dominoes continue to fall and I am doing my best to right them and stop the onslaught.  I am finding I don't have the tools to be very effective in my battle. 


I am feeling frustrated.  I waited for years, literally years to talk with a counselor just to have an initial session then not get any real relief for another month.  I don't know how much longer I can keep this all together without some help.  


I am fearful.  I am realizing that most of my life has been lived with some form of fear lurking in the background.  That would be why I struggle with worry.  I am more successful now that I ever have been about worrying, but it still nags at me, always there even if it is just nipping at my heels, instead of completely engulfing me.  It is exhausting to try to keep it at bay.   I am trying to cut myself some slack considering the counselor only heard a snippet of my story and already thinks I need medication.  


I despise being so glum and negative. I don't want to go there again.  So I cleaned out my closet, which 1) distracted me from my madness, 2) accomplished a much needed task, and 3) forced me to think of someone else who could possibly be in worse shape than myself.  That is bringing to mind that it could be worse and that somehow, I have got to let God handle this stuff.  I have got to do what I can and let.Him.have.the.rest!  Somehow...

Cognitive therapy begins in earnest...

Struggling...again

Today, I struggle. 

Some days are better and those have been recurring more often lately, but some days are just a struggle to get through.  I want to crawl into my bed and snuggle in for a long nap until things are better. 

It seems this endless cycle of ups and downs is going to continue for a while longer.  What has it been?  Three years?  Three years of this?  I never thought I would be able to survive this long under this tremendous pressure, but I find myself still alive and still kicking, although at times, barely.

The counselor has determined that I am depressed and she believes I will benefit from antidepressant medications.  I guess I am willing to try.  I figure it can't hurt. 

I am weary of the belt tightening ever more and the constant struggle to stay afloat in this ecomony.  We are going to apply for the EBT program.  The worst that could happen is we are turned down.  I really hate the thought of being on public support, but knowing we can feed the family will be a relief and we will be less strapped for funds each month until we can get on our feet again.  I have to keep reminding myself that it is only a temporary thing.

I am trying to keep my attitude positive.  I am realizing how little worry accomplishes.  My circumstance remains the same whether I worry about it or not.  Positive action where I am able to take it, is the only thing that does.  Handing over to God the things that are out of my control is the only option.  I am not a super human and I do not have supernatural powers to control my universe.  This is a hard fact for me to accept, but I know it to be true. 

Just have to put one foot in front of the other, breathe in and out all day, and do what is within my power to keep my world together.  I am forced to rely on others for what I cannot do alone. 

Hard life lessons that I am attempting to pass along to my children.  No man is an island.  We need each other.