Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Here is an excerpt from a Gary Chapman book, Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married. He is one of my favorite Christian authors.
By Gary Chapman
Romantic Love Has Two Stages
I was in the airport in Chicago when I met Jan, who was on her way to visit her fiancé for the weekend. When she inquired about where I was going, I said, "I'm going to Milwaukee, Wisconsin, to lead a marriage seminar tomorrow." "What do you do at marriage seminars?" she asked. "I try to give people practical ideas on how to work on their marriage," I replied. With a question in her eyes she asked, "Why do you have to work on a marriage? If you love each other, isn't that all that matters?" I knew she was sincere because that was also my perception before I got married.
Since neither of us was rushed for our next flight, I took time to explain to her that there are two stages of romantic love. The first stage requires little effort. We are pushed along by euphoric feelings. We commonly call this stage "being in love." When we are in love, we freely do things for each other without thought of cost or sacrifice. We will drive 500 miles or fly halfway across the country in order to spend a weekend together. Jan nodded approval.
The person we love seems to be perfect—at least perfect for us. I quickly added, "Now, your mother may have a different opinion. She may say, ‘Honey, have you considered . . .'" Jan smiled and said, "Yes, I've heard that lecture."
In this stage of romantic love, the couple does not have to work on the relationship. They may expend great energy in doing things for each other, but they would not consider it work. They would tend to use the word delight. They feel elated with the opportunity to do something meaningful for the other person. They want to make each other happy and they often do. How- ever, as I indicated in Chapter One, the average life span of this initial stage of romantic love is two years. We do not stay in the euphoric stage of love forever. Actually, this is good because it is difficult to concentrate on anything else when you are in love. If you are in college when you fall in love, your grades will likely decline. tomorrow you have a test on the War of 1812. Who cares about the War of 1812 when you are in love? Education seems trivial; what matters is being with the person you love. All of us have known individuals who drop out of college and choose to get married because the one they love is moving to a different state and they want to go with them.
If the obsessive nature of the in love euphoria extended for the next twenty years, few of us would accomplish our educational and vocational potential. Involvement in social issues and philanthropic endeavors would be nil. When we are in love, the rest of the world doesn't matter. We are totally focused on being with each other and making each other happy.
Before I got married, no one informed me that there were two stages of romantic love. I knew that I was in love with Karolyn and I anticipated having these feelings toward her for the rest of my life. I knew that she made me happy, and I wanted to do the same for her. When in fact I came down off of the emotional high, I was disillusioned. I remembered the warnings my mother had given me, and I was plagued with the recurring thought, "I have married the wrong person." I reasoned that if I had married the right person, surely my feelings would not have subsided so quickly after marriage. These were painful thoughts that were hard to shake. Our differences seem so obvious now. Why did I not see them earlier?
The Second Stage of Love
I wish someone had been there to tell me that what I was thinking and feeling was normal; that in fact, there are two stages to romantic love and I had to make the transition. Unfortunately, no one was there to give me this information. Had I received the information I am about to give to you, it would have saved me from years of marital struggle. What I have discovered is that the second stage of romantic love is much more intentional than the first stage. And, yes, it requires work in order to keep emotional love alive. However, for those who make the effort to transition from Stage One to Stage two, the rewards are astounding. As a young marriage counselor, I began to discover that what makes one person feel loved does not necessarily make another person feel loved; and that when couples come down off the in love emotional high, they often miss each other in their efforts to express love. She says, "I feel like he doesn't love me," and he says, "I don't understand that. I work hard. I keep the car clean. I mow the grass every weekend. I help her around the house. I don't know what else she would want." She responds, "He does all those things. He is a hardworking man." Then with tears in her eyes she says, "But we don't ever talk."
Week after week, I kept hearing similar stories. So I decided to look at the notes I had made when I was counseling couples and ask myself, "When someone said, ‘I feel like my spouse doesn't love me,' what were they looking for? What did they want? What were they complaining about?" Their complaints fell into five categories. I later called them the five love languages.
The dynamics are very similar to spoken languages. Each of us grows up speaking a language with a dialect. I grew up speaking English Southern-style. But everyone has a language and a dialect and that is the one we understand best. The same is true with love. Everyone has a primary love language. One of the five speaks more deeply to us emotionally than the other four. I also discovered that seldom do a husband and wife have the same love language. By nature we tend to speak our own language. Whatever makes us feel loved is what we do for the other person. But if it is not his/her language, it will not mean to them what it means to us. In the illustration above, the husband was speaking the language of acts of service. He was washing the car, mowing the grass, helping her around the house. to him, this is the way you express love. But her love language was quality time. She said, "We don't ever talk." What made her feel loved was him giving her his undivided attention talking, sharing life, listening, and communicating. He was sincerely expressing love but it was not in her primary love language.
The book that grew out of this research is entitled The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. It has sold over six million copies in English and has been translated into thirty- eight languages around the world. It has helped literally millions of couples learn how to connect with each other and keep emotional love alive. They have made the transition from Stage One to Stage two. They have learned how to express love effectively
By Gary Chapman
Romantic Love Has Two Stages
I was in the airport in Chicago when I met Jan, who was on her way to visit her fiancé for the weekend. When she inquired about where I was going, I said, "I'm going to Milwaukee, Wisconsin, to lead a marriage seminar tomorrow." "What do you do at marriage seminars?" she asked. "I try to give people practical ideas on how to work on their marriage," I replied. With a question in her eyes she asked, "Why do you have to work on a marriage? If you love each other, isn't that all that matters?" I knew she was sincere because that was also my perception before I got married.
Since neither of us was rushed for our next flight, I took time to explain to her that there are two stages of romantic love. The first stage requires little effort. We are pushed along by euphoric feelings. We commonly call this stage "being in love." When we are in love, we freely do things for each other without thought of cost or sacrifice. We will drive 500 miles or fly halfway across the country in order to spend a weekend together. Jan nodded approval.
The person we love seems to be perfect—at least perfect for us. I quickly added, "Now, your mother may have a different opinion. She may say, ‘Honey, have you considered . . .'" Jan smiled and said, "Yes, I've heard that lecture."
In this stage of romantic love, the couple does not have to work on the relationship. They may expend great energy in doing things for each other, but they would not consider it work. They would tend to use the word delight. They feel elated with the opportunity to do something meaningful for the other person. They want to make each other happy and they often do. How- ever, as I indicated in Chapter One, the average life span of this initial stage of romantic love is two years. We do not stay in the euphoric stage of love forever. Actually, this is good because it is difficult to concentrate on anything else when you are in love. If you are in college when you fall in love, your grades will likely decline. tomorrow you have a test on the War of 1812. Who cares about the War of 1812 when you are in love? Education seems trivial; what matters is being with the person you love. All of us have known individuals who drop out of college and choose to get married because the one they love is moving to a different state and they want to go with them.
If the obsessive nature of the in love euphoria extended for the next twenty years, few of us would accomplish our educational and vocational potential. Involvement in social issues and philanthropic endeavors would be nil. When we are in love, the rest of the world doesn't matter. We are totally focused on being with each other and making each other happy.
Before I got married, no one informed me that there were two stages of romantic love. I knew that I was in love with Karolyn and I anticipated having these feelings toward her for the rest of my life. I knew that she made me happy, and I wanted to do the same for her. When in fact I came down off of the emotional high, I was disillusioned. I remembered the warnings my mother had given me, and I was plagued with the recurring thought, "I have married the wrong person." I reasoned that if I had married the right person, surely my feelings would not have subsided so quickly after marriage. These were painful thoughts that were hard to shake. Our differences seem so obvious now. Why did I not see them earlier?
The Second Stage of Love
I wish someone had been there to tell me that what I was thinking and feeling was normal; that in fact, there are two stages to romantic love and I had to make the transition. Unfortunately, no one was there to give me this information. Had I received the information I am about to give to you, it would have saved me from years of marital struggle. What I have discovered is that the second stage of romantic love is much more intentional than the first stage. And, yes, it requires work in order to keep emotional love alive. However, for those who make the effort to transition from Stage One to Stage two, the rewards are astounding. As a young marriage counselor, I began to discover that what makes one person feel loved does not necessarily make another person feel loved; and that when couples come down off the in love emotional high, they often miss each other in their efforts to express love. She says, "I feel like he doesn't love me," and he says, "I don't understand that. I work hard. I keep the car clean. I mow the grass every weekend. I help her around the house. I don't know what else she would want." She responds, "He does all those things. He is a hardworking man." Then with tears in her eyes she says, "But we don't ever talk."
Week after week, I kept hearing similar stories. So I decided to look at the notes I had made when I was counseling couples and ask myself, "When someone said, ‘I feel like my spouse doesn't love me,' what were they looking for? What did they want? What were they complaining about?" Their complaints fell into five categories. I later called them the five love languages.
The dynamics are very similar to spoken languages. Each of us grows up speaking a language with a dialect. I grew up speaking English Southern-style. But everyone has a language and a dialect and that is the one we understand best. The same is true with love. Everyone has a primary love language. One of the five speaks more deeply to us emotionally than the other four. I also discovered that seldom do a husband and wife have the same love language. By nature we tend to speak our own language. Whatever makes us feel loved is what we do for the other person. But if it is not his/her language, it will not mean to them what it means to us. In the illustration above, the husband was speaking the language of acts of service. He was washing the car, mowing the grass, helping her around the house. to him, this is the way you express love. But her love language was quality time. She said, "We don't ever talk." What made her feel loved was him giving her his undivided attention talking, sharing life, listening, and communicating. He was sincerely expressing love but it was not in her primary love language.
The book that grew out of this research is entitled The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. It has sold over six million copies in English and has been translated into thirty- eight languages around the world. It has helped literally millions of couples learn how to connect with each other and keep emotional love alive. They have made the transition from Stage One to Stage two. They have learned how to express love effectively
Today is a good day. Perhaps I can will it to be so, if I keep chanting that mantra all day long.
Truly, it is a good day. Any day that I wake up, see the faces of my healthy, happy children, enjoy the home that I live in, have no immediate medical crisis with my elderly parents, make it to work on time, have hubby busy at home on an actual money-making job, and all that after coffee and a cream cheese bagel before heading to work and even leaving my sink free of dirty dishes.
Truly, it is a good day. Any day that I wake up, see the faces of my healthy, happy children, enjoy the home that I live in, have no immediate medical crisis with my elderly parents, make it to work on time, have hubby busy at home on an actual money-making job, and all that after coffee and a cream cheese bagel before heading to work and even leaving my sink free of dirty dishes.
Friday, March 25, 2011
This Morning Sadness
I am tired. I am tired of the responsibility of life falling solely on me. Michael has been under the weather for a long time now with one thing or another. He has been sick more than he has been well and even when he is physically well, his demeanor shows me the depression that is lurking beneath the surface of his brave face. He feels as if he has let us down. He feels as if he has failed his family. He has not said so, but his face relays all this to me. I have lived with him for nearly 20 years and I can almost read him like a book. He is quite broken lately and it weighs heavy on me in nearly every way imaginable.
Having said that, I am feeling a little down myself today. I am overwhelmed nearly every day with chores, obligations, responsibilities...adulthood and I am getting very little help from my partner. Not because he refuses or does not want to help, but it is as if he is in a hole. I can see him, I can hear him, but he is unable to climb up and over the top of his depression and I don't know what to do to help him this time. Or perhaps, I just don't have the energy to help him. Or just maybe, I have learned that I can't help him. He has to figure a way out of it on his own. I just can't let myself feel guilty for not being able to "fix" it for him. Guilt is a luxury I just can't afford right now.
I battle guilt where my parents are concerned. I feel as if I should do more for them, but honestly it takes all of me to just keep my little family going. I do as much as I can, when I can, but they need far more than the pittance I am able to provide. I feel as if I have dropped the ball into the laps of my siblings, two of which are in the same or worse boat than I am. Having said that, I cannot allow my feelings of guilt to overtake me. I will not survive if that happens.
Then there is my sister, Linda. I haven't seen her since Thanksgiving and don't have a desire to do so. That bothers me, but it is honestly how I feel. Whether she represents all the things that I want to do, but am unable to do or just not high on my list of priorities, I can't say. I haven't had the the time to delve into my feelings on that one. If I let it, guilt will creep in on me when I think of her.
To top it all off, I feel as if I have let my children down. They are very intelligent people and they are forced to attend a school that is subpar to their previous education level. I fear they have essentially "missed" a year of learning because very little has been taught at their current location that they did not learn last year in their former school. I was brought to tears this morning when my middle child told me when her graduation from middle school is to occur and my youngest chimed in that she wanted to attend the 6th grade graduation at her former school to see her friends graduate. You see, she will miss, totally miss her 6th grade graduation. Because public school and private school are so different there will be no way to prevent her being robbed of that honor and priviledge. It is just lost. When those words came out of her mouth it seems that all the loss of the last several years washed over me and the tears began to fall. I am still weepy and feeling very sad and very sorry that my family has suffered so much due to these crazy life changes that overtook us and changed our world as we knew it. And again, the guilt of not being better prepared for this economic downfall and the price they have had to pay for our inadequacy bears down on me.
Still, I am able to see the good that has come of it all. The growth we have experienced, the blessings that surround us, the goodness of the God we serve and His great love for us. I feel as if I have even let Him down, but each time I need Him, He is there always reminding me that it is Him Who holds me up.
It is a very hard row we are hoeing. At times it seems the pressure and exertion will break us, but so far we are holding steady and not losing ground, at least for now.
Having said that, I am feeling a little down myself today. I am overwhelmed nearly every day with chores, obligations, responsibilities...adulthood and I am getting very little help from my partner. Not because he refuses or does not want to help, but it is as if he is in a hole. I can see him, I can hear him, but he is unable to climb up and over the top of his depression and I don't know what to do to help him this time. Or perhaps, I just don't have the energy to help him. Or just maybe, I have learned that I can't help him. He has to figure a way out of it on his own. I just can't let myself feel guilty for not being able to "fix" it for him. Guilt is a luxury I just can't afford right now.
I battle guilt where my parents are concerned. I feel as if I should do more for them, but honestly it takes all of me to just keep my little family going. I do as much as I can, when I can, but they need far more than the pittance I am able to provide. I feel as if I have dropped the ball into the laps of my siblings, two of which are in the same or worse boat than I am. Having said that, I cannot allow my feelings of guilt to overtake me. I will not survive if that happens.
Then there is my sister, Linda. I haven't seen her since Thanksgiving and don't have a desire to do so. That bothers me, but it is honestly how I feel. Whether she represents all the things that I want to do, but am unable to do or just not high on my list of priorities, I can't say. I haven't had the the time to delve into my feelings on that one. If I let it, guilt will creep in on me when I think of her.
To top it all off, I feel as if I have let my children down. They are very intelligent people and they are forced to attend a school that is subpar to their previous education level. I fear they have essentially "missed" a year of learning because very little has been taught at their current location that they did not learn last year in their former school. I was brought to tears this morning when my middle child told me when her graduation from middle school is to occur and my youngest chimed in that she wanted to attend the 6th grade graduation at her former school to see her friends graduate. You see, she will miss, totally miss her 6th grade graduation. Because public school and private school are so different there will be no way to prevent her being robbed of that honor and priviledge. It is just lost. When those words came out of her mouth it seems that all the loss of the last several years washed over me and the tears began to fall. I am still weepy and feeling very sad and very sorry that my family has suffered so much due to these crazy life changes that overtook us and changed our world as we knew it. And again, the guilt of not being better prepared for this economic downfall and the price they have had to pay for our inadequacy bears down on me.
Still, I am able to see the good that has come of it all. The growth we have experienced, the blessings that surround us, the goodness of the God we serve and His great love for us. I feel as if I have even let Him down, but each time I need Him, He is there always reminding me that it is Him Who holds me up.
It is a very hard row we are hoeing. At times it seems the pressure and exertion will break us, but so far we are holding steady and not losing ground, at least for now.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
In The Wake of Disaster and Unrest
I am inundated with bad news from all over the world. Japan's earthquake,tsunami, and nuclear reactor meltdowns, battles on-going in Libya, and the middle-east in general, the economy world-wide. Things are so bad in so many places. People are losing their homes, their livelihoods, their means of transportation. It is bad all around.
We found ourselves tumbling headlong into all that nastiness, but God threw us a net once again. I landed a job, a good job and although I don't make the kind of money we are accustomed to MT bringing in, it is bread and butter money that we can count on to be there in between his checks. Slowly we are getting back on track. We still have so far to go, but we have been so blessed even through this storm in which we found ourselves embroiled.
We have our health and to that has been added some much needed, affordable health insurance. We have our homes one of which is soon to be occupied by Brittany and her family. We have each other and we are all better for the hardships we have endured and the other set of shoes we have been forced to wear. We have Michael's parents and Mama and Daddy and they are doing relatively well at this writing. We have our siblings and they are nothing short of a God-send. We have our friends, who have been neglected, but are still there and true blue. We have so many blessings that were taken for granted, but are now appreciated when looked at through eyes of those who have seen the potential for so much loss and have been spared it, for whatever reason. We danced so frighteningly close to losing everything we had, but were tossed a lifeline which has been secured in everyway possible by family and friends and they have done it in more ways than I can recount here in this post.
I feel as if I have been singing the same two songs for so long. The Doom and
Gloom song and the Blessed Beyond Measure song. I believe the former used to be predominant, but I feel the latter has caught up and overtaken it as of late. I hope that is true and that keeping our current course will set a pattern that will continue to see us flourish and overcome in every facet of our lives.
We found ourselves tumbling headlong into all that nastiness, but God threw us a net once again. I landed a job, a good job and although I don't make the kind of money we are accustomed to MT bringing in, it is bread and butter money that we can count on to be there in between his checks. Slowly we are getting back on track. We still have so far to go, but we have been so blessed even through this storm in which we found ourselves embroiled.
We have our health and to that has been added some much needed, affordable health insurance. We have our homes one of which is soon to be occupied by Brittany and her family. We have each other and we are all better for the hardships we have endured and the other set of shoes we have been forced to wear. We have Michael's parents and Mama and Daddy and they are doing relatively well at this writing. We have our siblings and they are nothing short of a God-send. We have our friends, who have been neglected, but are still there and true blue. We have so many blessings that were taken for granted, but are now appreciated when looked at through eyes of those who have seen the potential for so much loss and have been spared it, for whatever reason. We danced so frighteningly close to losing everything we had, but were tossed a lifeline which has been secured in everyway possible by family and friends and they have done it in more ways than I can recount here in this post.
I feel as if I have been singing the same two songs for so long. The Doom and
Gloom song and the Blessed Beyond Measure song. I believe the former used to be predominant, but I feel the latter has caught up and overtaken it as of late. I hope that is true and that keeping our current course will set a pattern that will continue to see us flourish and overcome in every facet of our lives.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
In Reflection, Even When My Life Bad, It Was Pretty Good
Purple!
Blossoms!
Flower Drops!
Sunburst Petals!
Berries in the Sun!
Things have improved. It is a slow process, and not unlike weight loss. The slower you lose the weight the better your chances of keeping it off. In other words, doing it the right way so that we will be fixing the problems for good and not have to revisit this phase of our lives again.
Spring is here and that has helped my spirits tremendously. I have much to say and not much time to print it, so for now, I will celebrate spring with some photos.
Blossoms!
Flower Drops!
Sunburst Petals!
Berries in the Sun!
Things have improved. It is a slow process, and not unlike weight loss. The slower you lose the weight the better your chances of keeping it off. In other words, doing it the right way so that we will be fixing the problems for good and not have to revisit this phase of our lives again.
Spring is here and that has helped my spirits tremendously. I have much to say and not much time to print it, so for now, I will celebrate spring with some photos.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)