I am tired. I am tired of the responsibility of life falling solely on me. Michael has been under the weather for a long time now with one thing or another. He has been sick more than he has been well and even when he is physically well, his demeanor shows me the depression that is lurking beneath the surface of his brave face. He feels as if he has let us down. He feels as if he has failed his family. He has not said so, but his face relays all this to me. I have lived with him for nearly 20 years and I can almost read him like a book. He is quite broken lately and it weighs heavy on me in nearly every way imaginable.
Having said that, I am feeling a little down myself today. I am overwhelmed nearly every day with chores, obligations, responsibilities...adulthood and I am getting very little help from my partner. Not because he refuses or does not want to help, but it is as if he is in a hole. I can see him, I can hear him, but he is unable to climb up and over the top of his depression and I don't know what to do to help him this time. Or perhaps, I just don't have the energy to help him. Or just maybe, I have learned that I can't help him. He has to figure a way out of it on his own. I just can't let myself feel guilty for not being able to "fix" it for him. Guilt is a luxury I just can't afford right now.
I battle guilt where my parents are concerned. I feel as if I should do more for them, but honestly it takes all of me to just keep my little family going. I do as much as I can, when I can, but they need far more than the pittance I am able to provide. I feel as if I have dropped the ball into the laps of my siblings, two of which are in the same or worse boat than I am. Having said that, I cannot allow my feelings of guilt to overtake me. I will not survive if that happens.
Then there is my sister, Linda. I haven't seen her since Thanksgiving and don't have a desire to do so. That bothers me, but it is honestly how I feel. Whether she represents all the things that I want to do, but am unable to do or just not high on my list of priorities, I can't say. I haven't had the the time to delve into my feelings on that one. If I let it, guilt will creep in on me when I think of her.
To top it all off, I feel as if I have let my children down. They are very intelligent people and they are forced to attend a school that is subpar to their previous education level. I fear they have essentially "missed" a year of learning because very little has been taught at their current location that they did not learn last year in their former school. I was brought to tears this morning when my middle child told me when her graduation from middle school is to occur and my youngest chimed in that she wanted to attend the 6th grade graduation at her former school to see her friends graduate. You see, she will miss, totally miss her 6th grade graduation. Because public school and private school are so different there will be no way to prevent her being robbed of that honor and priviledge. It is just lost. When those words came out of her mouth it seems that all the loss of the last several years washed over me and the tears began to fall. I am still weepy and feeling very sad and very sorry that my family has suffered so much due to these crazy life changes that overtook us and changed our world as we knew it. And again, the guilt of not being better prepared for this economic downfall and the price they have had to pay for our inadequacy bears down on me.
Still, I am able to see the good that has come of it all. The growth we have experienced, the blessings that surround us, the goodness of the God we serve and His great love for us. I feel as if I have even let Him down, but each time I need Him, He is there always reminding me that it is Him Who holds me up.
It is a very hard row we are hoeing. At times it seems the pressure and exertion will break us, but so far we are holding steady and not losing ground, at least for now.
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