I Really Don't Like Rollercoasters.

I never have and lately, my life is a rollercoaster. I am not only riding out the highs and lows of this wicked financial crisis, which I am sure many are experiencing at the time, but I find myself on the top of the emotional mountain at any given moment and without warning, I am plummeted to the deep, dark valleys that lie between.

I am really not complaining about the menopause thing. I love, love, love that I am not having a period right now. It may come back, but so far, so good. I know these symptoms are not going to last for the rest of my life, so I will have to just deal for a time.

Having said that, I feel kinda crazy...all the time. That is not easy with which to deal. I never realized how precious is the feeling of sanity. The unsure feeling of doubt that creeps into the simplest of decisions because you can't tell if what you are feeling is the "big M" over your head or your sane self, is enough to shake me to the core. It is a life full of daily contrasts. Sometimes stark and other times subtle contrasts, but always contrasts. Highs and lows, straight and curved, fast and slow and what I crave most is BALANCE in my life and that is proving to be elusive.

On a brighter note, in the midst of this chaos,I am finding myself. I had become lost in being a wife and mother and through this journey, I am finding me. I take courage in that fact. In the madness there appears to be a method and perhaps that is the purpose of the journey. When all else is burned away, you realize what is most important to you. I have been surprised by my findings. Surprised that I find myself at the top of my list and for someone who has put herself last for so many years, I think that is pretty phenomenal.

Perhaps the balance will be restored when I am fully in touch with myself once again. One thing, I know. I am past ready to get off this rollercoaster and get on with a little smooth sailing again.

As promised...Hope

It seems I predicted my future.

Today, I am very hopeful.

I am hopeful that after the primaries, we might possibly turn this shift in government around beginning in November.

I am hopeful that our business will be picking back up beginning next week.

I am hopeful that we will not lose our employee, who is much more than just a worker. He is our friend and his postitive outlook really helps keep MT focused on moving forward no.matter.what.

I am hopeful that by the weekend we will have cooler temperatures. This heat is so opppressive.

I am feeling hopeful, but I am not breathing just yet. Still holding my breathe until the screws loosen and the vise lessens. I can't afford to count my chickens just yet. They are pecking at the shell, but the are not yet a bird in the hand. Not exactly a bird in the bush, either. Somewhere in between, closer to the hand than they were yesterday, but not a sure thing until they are.

I have learned to be cautious where my feelings are concerned. I hope I have learned much, much more and when this storm is finally over (there is that hope again)I will elaborate more on what exactly I have learned. It seems that life never tires of teaching her lessons to us or maybe, we are destined to suffer the same results simply because we don't learn to change our course. Isn't that the definition of insanity?

I am beginning to realize that learning is an integral facet of life that we never escape until our bodies and brains no longer function and our time on earth is ended. That is quite a revelation for someone who used to have an opinion about everything, then a couple of weeks ago realized she didn't know much about anything, and now embraces that she has still got to open her mind and learn some things. That is not at all easy, nor comfortable.


But for now, for today, hope is enough.

Fear

Fear is a fact of life.

I know that as children we fear the boogey man, falling, mean animals and people, missing something that is going on, etc., but as we mature we learn that most of those get smaller as we grow bigger.

Then we move into the teen years where we believe that we are invincible, immortal, have superhuman power, that our brains contain knowledge beyond anyone else who ever existed on this planet, that we will live forever and any problem in between we will just deal with...no biggy.

But I am totally unfamiliar with this middle age fear. The fear of not making a difference in this world, the fear of being forgotten, the fear of failing as a parent, the fear that a recession puts in your heart when money is tight or worse yet, non-existant. The fear of losing all that is important to you, because now you realize you are not invincible, you are not immortal and neither is anyone else you love and care about, you are not superhuman no matter how badly you wish you were, you don't know nearly what you think you should know at this age, and dying becomes the easy thing to do. Living in fear of all this...life, that is the difficult thing.

I used to think the financially secure were the happiest and least fearful, but I see people with all the money they will ever need be broken hearted when someone they love is sick, they can't buy health for that loved one.

Then I thought the beautiful are surely not fearful because they can have whatever they want in life when the rest of us are so smitten with their gorgeousness. But how many times do I read about those beautiful people who wish they knew that someone loved them just for who they are...on the inside?

Next, I thought that people who are strong surely have little to fear from life and I watch while strong people seem to be required to sacrifice more, give more, endure more than most of us fearful people could imagine having to do.

I finally have concluded that the person who fears the least is the person who is spiritual and has a strong bond with the Creator. He alone is the One who can protect, provide, control, and keep all that we have, all that we do, and all that we are, in this journey called life.

No amount of money can protect us, beauty is going to fade as does strength when we age, but the spirit seems to grow stronger as it matures in its relationship with the Master.

Now to put all that into perspective where my life is concerned. To change it from thoughts and words printed on a page into a living, breathing faith, that works hard to be what the Maker wants it to be. I never seem to have as much problem figuring it all out. I just have problems knowing how to implement it into my life.

Perhaps, after pondering this a while longer I will amend this post with supplements detailing how I made all this real and made it work in my life. Try as I might, it is not happening now...but I am still hopeful.

Hope. Sounds like that should be the next blog topic.

Updates ~ There are several

Grace in the springtime


Callie in the springtime


Micah dressed for work


Photo frame with bird, house, and fence


Wooden Wine Rack


Michael and I at his birthday dinner


Braxton


Annabelle


Caroline


Our lovely dining table

Update #1 ~ I have begun painting, well, mostly practicing to paint, in order to see if some of my items will sell. I have posted a couple of my latest above.

Update #2 ~ Gracie fell down the basement stairs this week and injured her rump and was just feeling better from that, when she clotheslined herself while running home in the dark from a neighbor's house. She briefly looked behind while she was running and ran directly into the cables that hold the power poles sturdy and upright. She knocked the wind out of herself and bruised her jaw. Later that night, she told me she felt cursed! lol. I told her maybe we cursed her by naming her "Grace"!

Update #3 ~ Callie has been busy this summer but most of it has been away from me at two different camps, swimming, parties, youth functions, etc. I don't have photos of those so I posted one I took of her in the spring, under my beautiful tree. Aren't they both beauties?

Update #4 ~ Micah has acquired his first REAL job. He is employed at our local grocery store and is doing very well. He started a little over a month ago and already they are giving him more responsibility and more hours. We are quite proud of him!

Update #5 ~ Brittany delivered Braxton Glee Thurman on June 27th. He weighed 7lbs,13oz and was 20 and 1/2 inches long. He is a big boy and precious. All are well and I think very happy. We hope to be able to visit them soon. Annabelle's hair has turned blonde and she is just as pretty as ever.

Update #6 ~ Rick (my nephew) and Brooke (his wife) welcomed their first child on June 30th. She is Caroline Taylor Williams and she is beautiful and weighed 7lbs, 4oz, and was 20 inches long. Their family couldn't be any happier...until the next baby arrives!

Update #7 ~ Michael had a birthday and Gracie really treated him like a king on his big day. She made a breakfast of toast and waffles and made dinner for the both of us that evening. We had to dress for dinner and she and Callie served us a dried beef wrapped ranch carrot as an appetizer, followed by chicken noodle soup and a baked potato, and ending with a tasty birthday cupcake for dessert. It was delicious and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.

Update #9 ~ Today is July 4, 2010 and America's 234th birthday. We are going to a neighborhood party tonight. The hosts, Charles and Linda Goodwin are providing the BBQ chicken and some other kind of meat. I love BBQ chicken and sorta quit listening after he said those words cause I knew I was having the chicken. I am taking a cake decorated with fruit to look like a flag and maybe some baked beans. There will be fireworks and I am looking forward to a nice visit with our neighbors. This will be our first encounter with them socially. Fun! So Happy Independence Day to all of you and Happy Birthday, America! May God bless you for at least 234 more years!