Talking to God

I keep several journals going at all times. I tell my children they will have such fun after I am gone, just trying to sort out my scribblings and put them into some semblance of chronological order. I leave a journal in the living room, by my bedside, one in the bathroom, and one in the kitchen. I have even thought about leaving one in my car! Thoughts or feelings will suddenly hit me and I feel compelled to write it down, knowing my feeble brain cannot possibly retain all that good information for too long...but my journals can.

Some of my best conversations with God are in those journals. On some pages, I find despair and wretchedness in my voice as I cry out to God for mercy or help. On others, there is pure bliss and gratitude and thankfulness for the goodness that is God and the blessings that He showers on me and my family. Still more, will be filled with angst and worry about some uncertainty in my world. As I flip through the pages of ink marks, inevitably I come across many pages that express my sincere appreciation for answered prayers.

As I was re-reading some of my old entries, I found that there was a pattern to the messages I had penned. In retrospect, I noticed how many of my prayers were nearly immediately answered with a resounding, "Yes". I found that many prayers were answered positively, but not as soon as I would have liked...in His time, my desire was filled. There were several requests that were answered with a flat and final, "No" and those were always followed by a pitiful entry, filled with whining and grumbling and wondering, "Where are you, God?" I felt as if God had let me down.

Looking back at the prayers that were met with negative results, I can now see the wisdom in the denial. I realize how much better things worked out because I didn't have my way. Instead, He had His. His way in His time is soooo much better than mine, because He can see the whole parade that is my life. He sees the beginning and the end and everything in between. He never forgets, like I do. I am learning to trust Him because He loves me and because He knows what is best for me and because He will never let me down. I used to feel as if I had let God down, but I think I finally got the message that HE IS GOD and I can't let Him down...there is not enough power on earth that I could possess to have that kind of effect on God. I can't let Him down, because it is He who holds me up with His righteous right hand.

My journals are a testament to the presence of my Creator, in my life. I can so readily and easily see, what was once so veiled and hidden from my view. I couldn't see the good that He had in store for me, when He told me no. I couldn't make out any good reason why He made me wait for somethings. But when I read my journals, it is like faith, in living color painted across the pages of my books. I see His justice being done on my behalf. I see the love He has for me and the care He takes with my family. I see how at times, He comforted me with dear friends and family members and at other times, He gave me His peace, in my aloneness. I see that when I am sad and weeping in misery, He is rocking me gently, until I am calm again. I see that I matter enough to Him, that He is ever present and ever active in my world. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that He has always been here for me and that He always will be guiding me through this maze called life.

I encourage anybody who wants to strengthen their faith and their relationship with God to talk to Him, in black and white. I guarantee that when you look back through the posts, there will be more to be found, than just a bunch of words. Spoken words are easy to deny, but when you put it in ink, on paper, it becomes evidence of your convictions and makes you accountable, because the written word does not lie. What a priceless treasure to pass on to my children when I leave this earth. Books full of words of love for them and their father and a life map that can guide them to a greater faith in the God I serve. I cannot think of a better legacy to leave in my absence, but my words... from my heart to theirs, from my lips to God's throne.