Hidden Blessings in the Strangest Places

This year has been plagued with turmoil.

I admit that early on in this chaos, I lost my faith, I lost my way, I lost myself, and I lost my peace of mind. I was a mess in full, living, breathing, vivid color in every way one could possibly imagine. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically...you name it...I was a total mess.

During this horrid, nightmarish time, I could not see an answer, a solution, or a way out. I was helpless to change my circumstance and hopeless, thinking that no one else could either. I begged God for intervention, relief, support, help, wisdom, to release me from this fear that griped my heart. Didn't happen. Nothing changed. There was no blessing tangible enough for me to grasp, nothing visible for me to see. Everyday a living nightmare from which I could not awaken.

For months this drug out and with each passing day I plunged deeper into this black pit that threatened to swallow me up, with every promise of never allowing me to return to my world, my life. I can't explain the depth of my despair or the overwhelming feeling of fear that engulfed me. Still, I could not see any blessing, grace, mercy, relief, or compassion forthcomimg from the God I had served most of my life. I felt alone, rejected, abandoned. I cried all.the.time.

Not long after this, I realized that I was not feeling anything anymore. No fear, but no exuberance. No sorrow, but no joy. No pain, but no excitement. No anger or hatred, but no love. I was numb to the situation that had persecuted me for so long. In the moment of that realization, I was most afraid. I could not bear the thought of a life that was senseless, that had no feeling, no purpose. Just existing until it all ended. Trudging through day after day of...nothing. I couldn't MAKE myself cry. There was nothing there, at least not at the surface.

I had to dig deep to get to all that I had shoved so thoroughly into myself. I had to save myself because no one else could. If I was going to be even a semblence of the person I once was or ever hoped to be, I had to do this.

It was painful, but healing. It was gruesome, but I was growing. It was torturous, but I survived it. It was anything but easy, but it was done.

My circumstances are not changed much, but I am a changed person. I am facing my fears and doing battle with them. I am looking inward to find what needs to be tweaked or repaired and it gets easier everyday. I have setbacks at times, but I know now that I have the strength to pull myself out of this thing. My God never left me, but was honing and shaping me into the person He and I, want me to be. He has my back and if the Creator of the universe and everything in it, is on my side...well, I know that with that kind of power in my corner, I can overcome it all.

I am a work in progress, but I am still here and I am better than I was before. In retrospect, I see all kinds of blessings scattered along this journey I have been traveling. I couldn't see them then, but they are big as life now. A testament to the fact, that He never once left me alone. I learned that I don't have to see the whole path that is before me in this darkness. I just have to take one step and His light will move with me to illuminate the next. If I never walk in sureness again, if I have to walk one step at a time in the dark, it will be alright. I would rather walk in darkness holding His hand, than walk in light without Him.

I can hardly wait to see what He is going to do with the rest of this messy life of mine. I know it will be good, because His specialty is making good things come out of bad situations. I have learned to look for blessings in the strangest of places. If I open my eyes and search, even in the toughest times, they are there because He is faithful, able, and He loves me too much to let me go or let me down.

Check out my blog video, God's Chisel. It is very poignant and it has brought me much comfort and understanding in this period of my life. Hope it brings you something good too!

Teaching Old Dogs, New Tricks

What we have learned in the last year is huge.

We have learned that victory is not final.

We have learned that we must plan in order to avoid failure.

We have learned that failure although painful, is not fatal.

We have learned that God is faithful. He didn't abandon us, we gave up on Him.

We have learned that we have a very strong marriage and consequently, a very strong family.

We have learned that we are resilient and even flexible when forced to be.

We have learned that we are loved beyond measure by family and friends.

We have learned that we can not only be grateful under duress for our blessings, but that we can even be thankful for the duress that shapes us into better, stronger human beings.

We have learned there is always hope and hope means the difference between success and failure, living and dying, positive and negative attitudes...hope gives life.

We have learned that much of what we thought mattered...doesn't.

We have learned that much of what we took for granted is the most important part of our lives.

We have learned to live, really live our lives. Not just exist.

We have learned to love with every fiber of our being.

We have learned that laughter truly is the best medicine.

We have learned to trust the Being that gave us life, for He is holding us in His powerful hand.

This last year has been a hard one that has changed my definition of success. Success is learning from our mistakes.

That would make this last year a huge success in my book.

Dare I Allow Myself To Breathe?

For a long time now I have been holding my breath. Waiting. Waiting for things to pick up with our business, waiting for checks to come in for the work Michael has already completed, waiting to pay bills until money arrived, waiting to enroll the girls in FDA, waiting to get the children some new glasses, waiting to get dental work done for all of us, waiting for the creditors to arrive and start demanding the vehicles or home be returned or sold, and not daring to take a deep breath throughout this season of life that has been dominated by fear.

Last week, Michael decided that he needed to get back to worshipping God with our church family and he has been everytime since he expressed that to me. Why am I still surprised by God at this stage of the game? On Thursday, after Bible study on Wednesday, Michael got a service call. Nothing big, but a service call. On Sunday, after attendance of worship service, another service call. Again, not big but something. Sunday afternoon, a fellow that Michael has done some work for previously called him to ask if he could make a few service calls for him. He will call to confirm on Tuesday.

Dare I exhale and finally begin to just breathe in and out regularly? Could this be the beginning of the end of this horrible nightmare I have been living? I wish I could trust that it is, but I have been burned too many times in the last nine months. I am afraid to be disappointed even one more time. I don't know if my spirit can take it.

I Really Don't Like Rollercoasters.

I never have and lately, my life is a rollercoaster. I am not only riding out the highs and lows of this wicked financial crisis, which I am sure many are experiencing at the time, but I find myself on the top of the emotional mountain at any given moment and without warning, I am plummeted to the deep, dark valleys that lie between.

I am really not complaining about the menopause thing. I love, love, love that I am not having a period right now. It may come back, but so far, so good. I know these symptoms are not going to last for the rest of my life, so I will have to just deal for a time.

Having said that, I feel kinda crazy...all the time. That is not easy with which to deal. I never realized how precious is the feeling of sanity. The unsure feeling of doubt that creeps into the simplest of decisions because you can't tell if what you are feeling is the "big M" over your head or your sane self, is enough to shake me to the core. It is a life full of daily contrasts. Sometimes stark and other times subtle contrasts, but always contrasts. Highs and lows, straight and curved, fast and slow and what I crave most is BALANCE in my life and that is proving to be elusive.

On a brighter note, in the midst of this chaos,I am finding myself. I had become lost in being a wife and mother and through this journey, I am finding me. I take courage in that fact. In the madness there appears to be a method and perhaps that is the purpose of the journey. When all else is burned away, you realize what is most important to you. I have been surprised by my findings. Surprised that I find myself at the top of my list and for someone who has put herself last for so many years, I think that is pretty phenomenal.

Perhaps the balance will be restored when I am fully in touch with myself once again. One thing, I know. I am past ready to get off this rollercoaster and get on with a little smooth sailing again.

As promised...Hope

It seems I predicted my future.

Today, I am very hopeful.

I am hopeful that after the primaries, we might possibly turn this shift in government around beginning in November.

I am hopeful that our business will be picking back up beginning next week.

I am hopeful that we will not lose our employee, who is much more than just a worker. He is our friend and his postitive outlook really helps keep MT focused on moving forward no.matter.what.

I am hopeful that by the weekend we will have cooler temperatures. This heat is so opppressive.

I am feeling hopeful, but I am not breathing just yet. Still holding my breathe until the screws loosen and the vise lessens. I can't afford to count my chickens just yet. They are pecking at the shell, but the are not yet a bird in the hand. Not exactly a bird in the bush, either. Somewhere in between, closer to the hand than they were yesterday, but not a sure thing until they are.

I have learned to be cautious where my feelings are concerned. I hope I have learned much, much more and when this storm is finally over (there is that hope again)I will elaborate more on what exactly I have learned. It seems that life never tires of teaching her lessons to us or maybe, we are destined to suffer the same results simply because we don't learn to change our course. Isn't that the definition of insanity?

I am beginning to realize that learning is an integral facet of life that we never escape until our bodies and brains no longer function and our time on earth is ended. That is quite a revelation for someone who used to have an opinion about everything, then a couple of weeks ago realized she didn't know much about anything, and now embraces that she has still got to open her mind and learn some things. That is not at all easy, nor comfortable.


But for now, for today, hope is enough.

Fear

Fear is a fact of life.

I know that as children we fear the boogey man, falling, mean animals and people, missing something that is going on, etc., but as we mature we learn that most of those get smaller as we grow bigger.

Then we move into the teen years where we believe that we are invincible, immortal, have superhuman power, that our brains contain knowledge beyond anyone else who ever existed on this planet, that we will live forever and any problem in between we will just deal with...no biggy.

But I am totally unfamiliar with this middle age fear. The fear of not making a difference in this world, the fear of being forgotten, the fear of failing as a parent, the fear that a recession puts in your heart when money is tight or worse yet, non-existant. The fear of losing all that is important to you, because now you realize you are not invincible, you are not immortal and neither is anyone else you love and care about, you are not superhuman no matter how badly you wish you were, you don't know nearly what you think you should know at this age, and dying becomes the easy thing to do. Living in fear of all this...life, that is the difficult thing.

I used to think the financially secure were the happiest and least fearful, but I see people with all the money they will ever need be broken hearted when someone they love is sick, they can't buy health for that loved one.

Then I thought the beautiful are surely not fearful because they can have whatever they want in life when the rest of us are so smitten with their gorgeousness. But how many times do I read about those beautiful people who wish they knew that someone loved them just for who they are...on the inside?

Next, I thought that people who are strong surely have little to fear from life and I watch while strong people seem to be required to sacrifice more, give more, endure more than most of us fearful people could imagine having to do.

I finally have concluded that the person who fears the least is the person who is spiritual and has a strong bond with the Creator. He alone is the One who can protect, provide, control, and keep all that we have, all that we do, and all that we are, in this journey called life.

No amount of money can protect us, beauty is going to fade as does strength when we age, but the spirit seems to grow stronger as it matures in its relationship with the Master.

Now to put all that into perspective where my life is concerned. To change it from thoughts and words printed on a page into a living, breathing faith, that works hard to be what the Maker wants it to be. I never seem to have as much problem figuring it all out. I just have problems knowing how to implement it into my life.

Perhaps, after pondering this a while longer I will amend this post with supplements detailing how I made all this real and made it work in my life. Try as I might, it is not happening now...but I am still hopeful.

Hope. Sounds like that should be the next blog topic.

Updates ~ There are several

Grace in the springtime


Callie in the springtime


Micah dressed for work


Photo frame with bird, house, and fence


Wooden Wine Rack


Michael and I at his birthday dinner


Braxton


Annabelle


Caroline


Our lovely dining table

Update #1 ~ I have begun painting, well, mostly practicing to paint, in order to see if some of my items will sell. I have posted a couple of my latest above.

Update #2 ~ Gracie fell down the basement stairs this week and injured her rump and was just feeling better from that, when she clotheslined herself while running home in the dark from a neighbor's house. She briefly looked behind while she was running and ran directly into the cables that hold the power poles sturdy and upright. She knocked the wind out of herself and bruised her jaw. Later that night, she told me she felt cursed! lol. I told her maybe we cursed her by naming her "Grace"!

Update #3 ~ Callie has been busy this summer but most of it has been away from me at two different camps, swimming, parties, youth functions, etc. I don't have photos of those so I posted one I took of her in the spring, under my beautiful tree. Aren't they both beauties?

Update #4 ~ Micah has acquired his first REAL job. He is employed at our local grocery store and is doing very well. He started a little over a month ago and already they are giving him more responsibility and more hours. We are quite proud of him!

Update #5 ~ Brittany delivered Braxton Glee Thurman on June 27th. He weighed 7lbs,13oz and was 20 and 1/2 inches long. He is a big boy and precious. All are well and I think very happy. We hope to be able to visit them soon. Annabelle's hair has turned blonde and she is just as pretty as ever.

Update #6 ~ Rick (my nephew) and Brooke (his wife) welcomed their first child on June 30th. She is Caroline Taylor Williams and she is beautiful and weighed 7lbs, 4oz, and was 20 inches long. Their family couldn't be any happier...until the next baby arrives!

Update #7 ~ Michael had a birthday and Gracie really treated him like a king on his big day. She made a breakfast of toast and waffles and made dinner for the both of us that evening. We had to dress for dinner and she and Callie served us a dried beef wrapped ranch carrot as an appetizer, followed by chicken noodle soup and a baked potato, and ending with a tasty birthday cupcake for dessert. It was delicious and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.

Update #9 ~ Today is July 4, 2010 and America's 234th birthday. We are going to a neighborhood party tonight. The hosts, Charles and Linda Goodwin are providing the BBQ chicken and some other kind of meat. I love BBQ chicken and sorta quit listening after he said those words cause I knew I was having the chicken. I am taking a cake decorated with fruit to look like a flag and maybe some baked beans. There will be fireworks and I am looking forward to a nice visit with our neighbors. This will be our first encounter with them socially. Fun! So Happy Independence Day to all of you and Happy Birthday, America! May God bless you for at least 234 more years!