I Really Don't Like Rollercoasters.

I never have and lately, my life is a rollercoaster. I am not only riding out the highs and lows of this wicked financial crisis, which I am sure many are experiencing at the time, but I find myself on the top of the emotional mountain at any given moment and without warning, I am plummeted to the deep, dark valleys that lie between.

I am really not complaining about the menopause thing. I love, love, love that I am not having a period right now. It may come back, but so far, so good. I know these symptoms are not going to last for the rest of my life, so I will have to just deal for a time.

Having said that, I feel kinda crazy...all the time. That is not easy with which to deal. I never realized how precious is the feeling of sanity. The unsure feeling of doubt that creeps into the simplest of decisions because you can't tell if what you are feeling is the "big M" over your head or your sane self, is enough to shake me to the core. It is a life full of daily contrasts. Sometimes stark and other times subtle contrasts, but always contrasts. Highs and lows, straight and curved, fast and slow and what I crave most is BALANCE in my life and that is proving to be elusive.

On a brighter note, in the midst of this chaos,I am finding myself. I had become lost in being a wife and mother and through this journey, I am finding me. I take courage in that fact. In the madness there appears to be a method and perhaps that is the purpose of the journey. When all else is burned away, you realize what is most important to you. I have been surprised by my findings. Surprised that I find myself at the top of my list and for someone who has put herself last for so many years, I think that is pretty phenomenal.

Perhaps the balance will be restored when I am fully in touch with myself once again. One thing, I know. I am past ready to get off this rollercoaster and get on with a little smooth sailing again.

As promised...Hope

It seems I predicted my future.

Today, I am very hopeful.

I am hopeful that after the primaries, we might possibly turn this shift in government around beginning in November.

I am hopeful that our business will be picking back up beginning next week.

I am hopeful that we will not lose our employee, who is much more than just a worker. He is our friend and his postitive outlook really helps keep MT focused on moving forward no.matter.what.

I am hopeful that by the weekend we will have cooler temperatures. This heat is so opppressive.

I am feeling hopeful, but I am not breathing just yet. Still holding my breathe until the screws loosen and the vise lessens. I can't afford to count my chickens just yet. They are pecking at the shell, but the are not yet a bird in the hand. Not exactly a bird in the bush, either. Somewhere in between, closer to the hand than they were yesterday, but not a sure thing until they are.

I have learned to be cautious where my feelings are concerned. I hope I have learned much, much more and when this storm is finally over (there is that hope again)I will elaborate more on what exactly I have learned. It seems that life never tires of teaching her lessons to us or maybe, we are destined to suffer the same results simply because we don't learn to change our course. Isn't that the definition of insanity?

I am beginning to realize that learning is an integral facet of life that we never escape until our bodies and brains no longer function and our time on earth is ended. That is quite a revelation for someone who used to have an opinion about everything, then a couple of weeks ago realized she didn't know much about anything, and now embraces that she has still got to open her mind and learn some things. That is not at all easy, nor comfortable.


But for now, for today, hope is enough.

Fear

Fear is a fact of life.

I know that as children we fear the boogey man, falling, mean animals and people, missing something that is going on, etc., but as we mature we learn that most of those get smaller as we grow bigger.

Then we move into the teen years where we believe that we are invincible, immortal, have superhuman power, that our brains contain knowledge beyond anyone else who ever existed on this planet, that we will live forever and any problem in between we will just deal with...no biggy.

But I am totally unfamiliar with this middle age fear. The fear of not making a difference in this world, the fear of being forgotten, the fear of failing as a parent, the fear that a recession puts in your heart when money is tight or worse yet, non-existant. The fear of losing all that is important to you, because now you realize you are not invincible, you are not immortal and neither is anyone else you love and care about, you are not superhuman no matter how badly you wish you were, you don't know nearly what you think you should know at this age, and dying becomes the easy thing to do. Living in fear of all this...life, that is the difficult thing.

I used to think the financially secure were the happiest and least fearful, but I see people with all the money they will ever need be broken hearted when someone they love is sick, they can't buy health for that loved one.

Then I thought the beautiful are surely not fearful because they can have whatever they want in life when the rest of us are so smitten with their gorgeousness. But how many times do I read about those beautiful people who wish they knew that someone loved them just for who they are...on the inside?

Next, I thought that people who are strong surely have little to fear from life and I watch while strong people seem to be required to sacrifice more, give more, endure more than most of us fearful people could imagine having to do.

I finally have concluded that the person who fears the least is the person who is spiritual and has a strong bond with the Creator. He alone is the One who can protect, provide, control, and keep all that we have, all that we do, and all that we are, in this journey called life.

No amount of money can protect us, beauty is going to fade as does strength when we age, but the spirit seems to grow stronger as it matures in its relationship with the Master.

Now to put all that into perspective where my life is concerned. To change it from thoughts and words printed on a page into a living, breathing faith, that works hard to be what the Maker wants it to be. I never seem to have as much problem figuring it all out. I just have problems knowing how to implement it into my life.

Perhaps, after pondering this a while longer I will amend this post with supplements detailing how I made all this real and made it work in my life. Try as I might, it is not happening now...but I am still hopeful.

Hope. Sounds like that should be the next blog topic.

Updates ~ There are several

Grace in the springtime


Callie in the springtime


Micah dressed for work


Photo frame with bird, house, and fence


Wooden Wine Rack


Michael and I at his birthday dinner


Braxton


Annabelle


Caroline


Our lovely dining table

Update #1 ~ I have begun painting, well, mostly practicing to paint, in order to see if some of my items will sell. I have posted a couple of my latest above.

Update #2 ~ Gracie fell down the basement stairs this week and injured her rump and was just feeling better from that, when she clotheslined herself while running home in the dark from a neighbor's house. She briefly looked behind while she was running and ran directly into the cables that hold the power poles sturdy and upright. She knocked the wind out of herself and bruised her jaw. Later that night, she told me she felt cursed! lol. I told her maybe we cursed her by naming her "Grace"!

Update #3 ~ Callie has been busy this summer but most of it has been away from me at two different camps, swimming, parties, youth functions, etc. I don't have photos of those so I posted one I took of her in the spring, under my beautiful tree. Aren't they both beauties?

Update #4 ~ Micah has acquired his first REAL job. He is employed at our local grocery store and is doing very well. He started a little over a month ago and already they are giving him more responsibility and more hours. We are quite proud of him!

Update #5 ~ Brittany delivered Braxton Glee Thurman on June 27th. He weighed 7lbs,13oz and was 20 and 1/2 inches long. He is a big boy and precious. All are well and I think very happy. We hope to be able to visit them soon. Annabelle's hair has turned blonde and she is just as pretty as ever.

Update #6 ~ Rick (my nephew) and Brooke (his wife) welcomed their first child on June 30th. She is Caroline Taylor Williams and she is beautiful and weighed 7lbs, 4oz, and was 20 inches long. Their family couldn't be any happier...until the next baby arrives!

Update #7 ~ Michael had a birthday and Gracie really treated him like a king on his big day. She made a breakfast of toast and waffles and made dinner for the both of us that evening. We had to dress for dinner and she and Callie served us a dried beef wrapped ranch carrot as an appetizer, followed by chicken noodle soup and a baked potato, and ending with a tasty birthday cupcake for dessert. It was delicious and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.

Update #9 ~ Today is July 4, 2010 and America's 234th birthday. We are going to a neighborhood party tonight. The hosts, Charles and Linda Goodwin are providing the BBQ chicken and some other kind of meat. I love BBQ chicken and sorta quit listening after he said those words cause I knew I was having the chicken. I am taking a cake decorated with fruit to look like a flag and maybe some baked beans. There will be fireworks and I am looking forward to a nice visit with our neighbors. This will be our first encounter with them socially. Fun! So Happy Independence Day to all of you and Happy Birthday, America! May God bless you for at least 234 more years!

Changes

Reflection

I changed my blog title.

I am thinking that midlife has begun some changes in me. Changes in my thinking, changes in my beliefs, changes in my attitude, changes in my behavior. I believe they are changes for the better.

Lately, I find myself quite often replying to others questions with, "I don't know". In the recent past, I can't remember NOT having an answer for nearly every question posed to me. Not that I was a know it all, I just had an opinion on EVERYTHING. If I was stumped by a question, I would talk endlessly about possible reasons WHY I did not have an answer.

It may be that I don't have the energy to solve the world's problems anymore. Why I ever thought I could, is beyond me. Possibly, I have realized that I don't have to have all the answers and that even if I did, my solutions won't be the answer for everyone else's life questions. We are all responsible for finding our own answers. Maybe I just realized that it is not my job to have all the answers. I have concluded that all those around me will reap the benefit of searching for their own truth and finding solutions for themselves. Life is so much better when you experience it yourself, in leui of living vicariously through others.

So I have laid to rest She Who Must Be Obeyed and am Living Life Simply from this moment on. I no longer pretend to have control over those things in my life that are separate entities. I do have influence, but thinking I control them is pointless. I am living by a new mantra these days... Keep It Simple, Sugar or KISS. The sugar reminds me to be sweet and kind to others as I encounter them. I read a revision of the Serenity Prayer that applies to my new way of thought.

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change
The courage to change the one person I can
And the wisdom to know that person is me

I have resolved that I will change my world by changing the one thing I control and that would be me. I am anxiously awaiting the fall out that inevitably occurs when one dynamic of a family structure is altered. It may be good, but I expect it will be not so good, early on. I am ready in any case.

JJ told me the closer you get to 50, the better life is. I am looking forward to the big 50 and I LOVE MY GRAY HAIR! Age and maturity are not so bad after all. JJ was so right!

The winter is over and gone...

Hopefully with it are gone many struggles.
The last few,months have been so difficult on Michael and me. We have struggled in every arena of life

My Siblings, My friends! I am a Lucky Girl!

Patty (seated)Janet, Tommy, Laura, and Ellen after dinner at the Brew Pub.


These are the beautiful roses given to the four sisters by our sweet waitress, while we enjoyed the musical and vocal stylings of the piano man at the Renaissance Hotel.


We had a great Siblings Weekend! We worried that snow and ice might do it in altogether, but it was only postponed by one day.

JJ and I left about 1:30 on Saturday to head to the Embassy in downtown Montgomery to be checked in before Ellen, Tommy, and Pat arrived. We settled into the room and went to eat lunch at Dreamland BBQ where their Brunswick Stew was great!

Pat and Ellen arrived and we all got settled in. Tommy got there at 4pm and we talked and visited together, enjoying old photos, new photos, scrapbooks, and exchanging little gifts with each other. Then we were off to dinner at the Brew Pub where the food was excellent, as usual and the staff friendly and efficient.

We then made our way back to the hotel where we discovered the heat was not working. Tom looked at it and we got the maintenance man to come fix it. We were good. Tom had to leave at about 8:30 and we girls munched on the beautiful Valentine treat basket Janet had brought, then topped it off with a couple of chocolate covered strawberries that Ellen contributed. By this time, we are feeling the heat and I mean feeling the heat. It was over 80 degrees in our room. We found that we had to turn on the heat and turn off the heat to regulate the temperature in our room. We called maintenance again. He showed up and fixed it. We were off to some sweet sleep and dreams after our celebration. We woke many times during a fitfull slumber to find ourselves extremely HOT! The heat was not fixed, so it was a constant battle to keep from freezing and roasting consecutively all night long. Our weekend catch phrase was "It's hot in here!" complete with tugging on our shirt and sweater collars for a little cool air.
We requested a new room the next morning and the same situation was found in it, so after a great breakfast buffet at the Embassy we were on the move across the street to the Rennaissance Hotel...nnnnnice!
The Rennaisance is a gorgeous hotel with loveliness everywhere your eye may fall. A huge step up from the Embassy and it was cool or warm at the touch of our fingertips. We went flea market shopping and found several treasures in Prattville on Sunday, had lunch at Jim and Nick's BBQ, then headed back to Montgomery to visit Linda. We had a lovely visit with her and hurried off to make it to our restaurant for dinner, before they closed.

Sa Za's was fantastic Italian cuisine nestled in downtown Montgomery. It was really as if we were not even in Alabama. Downtown has really grown and been developed so nicely. It offers much more than we were able to do, see, and experience in one weekend. We highly recommend a stay there in the Riverfront area. It was like being very far away from home, without all the miles. Back to my story.

On our way back to the hotel, we heard piano music and loving music like we do we had to see where it was coming from. We walked in to find a musician playing older music that we loved, so we sat down and listened for awhile. J ended up singing Mustang Sally (for those of you who may not know it, that is J's signature song!)with the guy and we laughed, I mean really belly laughed like we hadn't done since the Sibs Weekend in March of 2008! We were having so much fun that most everyone in the place was having fun with us. Our waitress brought us each a red rose for Valentine's Day and one young woman asked to take our photo because we were "a Hoot" to quote her. She is texting the photo to Patty who will send it to us. Anyway, we had a great time and it was "a hoot"!

We were sad to leave our little respite place, but we had to come home sometime. So Monday morning around 10, we pulled out of the parking deck and headed home.

I have the best sisters and brother in the world, hands down. They support and help me when times are tough and they lighten my mood and world with much laughter and many good times. They are ALWAYS there for me, no.matter.what! I can only hope that I have been as good a sister to them. They are the greatest I am such a lucky girl. No, blessed. I am a very blessed girl, indeed!