The Battle Between Worry and Peace

The dominoes continue to fall and I am doing my best to right them and stop the onslaught.  I am finding I don't have the tools to be very effective in my battle. 


I am feeling frustrated.  I waited for years, literally years to talk with a counselor just to have an initial session then not get any real relief for another month.  I don't know how much longer I can keep this all together without some help.  


I am fearful.  I am realizing that most of my life has been lived with some form of fear lurking in the background.  That would be why I struggle with worry.  I am more successful now that I ever have been about worrying, but it still nags at me, always there even if it is just nipping at my heels, instead of completely engulfing me.  It is exhausting to try to keep it at bay.   I am trying to cut myself some slack considering the counselor only heard a snippet of my story and already thinks I need medication.  


I despise being so glum and negative. I don't want to go there again.  So I cleaned out my closet, which 1) distracted me from my madness, 2) accomplished a much needed task, and 3) forced me to think of someone else who could possibly be in worse shape than myself.  That is bringing to mind that it could be worse and that somehow, I have got to let God handle this stuff.  I have got to do what I can and let.Him.have.the.rest!  Somehow...

Cognitive therapy begins in earnest...

Struggling...again

Today, I struggle. 

Some days are better and those have been recurring more often lately, but some days are just a struggle to get through.  I want to crawl into my bed and snuggle in for a long nap until things are better. 

It seems this endless cycle of ups and downs is going to continue for a while longer.  What has it been?  Three years?  Three years of this?  I never thought I would be able to survive this long under this tremendous pressure, but I find myself still alive and still kicking, although at times, barely.

The counselor has determined that I am depressed and she believes I will benefit from antidepressant medications.  I guess I am willing to try.  I figure it can't hurt. 

I am weary of the belt tightening ever more and the constant struggle to stay afloat in this ecomony.  We are going to apply for the EBT program.  The worst that could happen is we are turned down.  I really hate the thought of being on public support, but knowing we can feed the family will be a relief and we will be less strapped for funds each month until we can get on our feet again.  I have to keep reminding myself that it is only a temporary thing.

I am trying to keep my attitude positive.  I am realizing how little worry accomplishes.  My circumstance remains the same whether I worry about it or not.  Positive action where I am able to take it, is the only thing that does.  Handing over to God the things that are out of my control is the only option.  I am not a super human and I do not have supernatural powers to control my universe.  This is a hard fact for me to accept, but I know it to be true. 

Just have to put one foot in front of the other, breathe in and out all day, and do what is within my power to keep my world together.  I am forced to rely on others for what I cannot do alone. 

Hard life lessons that I am attempting to pass along to my children.  No man is an island.  We need each other. 

Thanksgiving 2011

Day Twelve Help

We had a yard sale and my family pitched in so well and between the 5 of us made the day so much more successful. I could not have done it alone. In fact, I would not want to be alone anymore.

There was time when I was OK alone. I knew nothing else. I can't imagine going back to that and to be quite honest, I am a little anxious about the empty nest thing.

It seems life is one adjustment after another and after 50 years of it, it looks as if I would be prepared for that.

Whatever comes, my family helps me get through it and I love and appreciate them beyond words.

Day Eleven Veterans

Today, I am thankful for souls that are courageous, generous, honorable, selfless, and sacrificing. I am thankful for our veterans.

The disruption of not only their lives but the lives of their families is a very large sacrifice and they do it willingly because they live their values.

I am forever grateful for their love of country and their protection of the freedom I enjoy.

God Bless America and God Bless Our Troops!

Day Ten Grace

Today my baby is going to become a teenager. In fact, she has been a teenager for about thirty minutes now. Wow, my baby is a teenager.

I remember so well when that wonderful creature entered our lives. She has added such laughter, joy, and drama to our world. Her grandmama says God broke the mold when he made her. Her antics, phrases, jokes, replies, retorts and dramatic theatrics have entertained and sustained us through the years.

She is such a blessing and I can't imagine how dull life would be without Gracie.

We had our boy and our girl and we almost stopped at two. I am so very thankful we decided three would not be so bad. On the contrary, it has been one of the best decisions we ever made.

I love you, Gracie. You are my favorite 13 year old in all the world!

Day Nine New Tires

Before...

After!


This may seem petty to some, but when you drive a set of tires over 15,000 miles beyond what they are expected to tolerate and the tread is so thin that you can push on the tire with your fingers and it moves, when you ask God every time you enter the vehicle to please get you to your destination without a tire exploding and causing loss of control of the vehicle, when you have everybody under the sun telling you how badly you need new tires, when you avoid any unnecessary trips and most certainly avoid any bad highway no matter how far out of your way you have to travel, then you finally have the ability to obtain new ones...it is so very awesome!

I thank God for my new tires just as often as I asked Him to protect me with the old ones, so I thought it only fitting that I add that to my list of Thanksgiving.