I have lost some very important facets of my life this week and I have gained some as well.

Two dear friends of mine have both lost their dads very suddenly within two days of each other. I can't help wondering why. Why my daddy is still here at 92 and their dads are gone having only been in their 70's. I will miss my daddy when that time comes, but it is no secret that daddy is not an easy man to get close to and that even though we love each other, we have never had that close, wonderful relationship that I always dreamed of sharing with him. These two friends did have that special bond and on the one hand, that makes losing their dad all the more difficult. On the other hand, it also affords them priceless memories of times shared that will sustain them in the absence of their fathers. It seems a decent trade-off. I will miss my daddy when he is gone, but not like they will grieve the loss of theirs. The close bond my friends experienced with their dads will take a greater toll on them as they make their way through uncharted territory without his guidance and wisdom to lean on. They will most likely struggle for a long time with a void in their lives that aches to be filled, for which there is no substitute. I can't see that being the case with me. I may be wrong and it may devastate me far more than I would like to admit, but there is a certain "disconnect" of emotions for me where daddy is concerned. I don't rely on him for advice in fact, I don't often agree with him on many issues. I don't share intimate details of my life with him, nor he with me. We just never were able to really connect and people tell me it is never too late, but unless both parties are willing it won't happen.

Catching Up

With all the changes in my life that occurred in the last year, I have found it very difficult to even pin down my feelings and thoughts, much less pen them. Pun so intended. So this is my meager attempt to re-organize my thoughts and try to catch up on my blogging.

My emotions are still rollercoaster at times, but the curves are straighter and the hills are smaller, but mostly the rails are less bumpy. I attribute my job to that. As difficult as it was to adjust to my new schedule (and at times still is)I have learned to utilize the "divide and conquer" methodology. I look to work to be a respite from home and home to be a haven from work. It is as if my life is two separate worlds and only occassionally do they collide. Somehow, it is all working. It helps tremendously that MT is at home working most of the time now. He does not like my SAH mom job, but he is doing a relatively good job of it.

My parents are doing well for 92 and 87 years respectively. They had a tough time of it for a while but Home Health has come in and with therapy, Daddy is getting back a little of his strength and mobility. That in turn makes Mama worry less and all is back on the upswing cycle for

Life is Full of Ups and Downs

I have been tortured by this rollercoaster ride for over a year now, but as I reflect I have been on the ride far longer than that.

Thanksgiving!

I am beyond excited this year because my entire family is joining forces at MY house for the holiday! I can hardly wait until tomorrow!

Having said that, I have so much to do! I am so hoping that we get to leave a little early today. If not, I just may come down with a case of something or another so that I can get home and get my holiday started!

Changes

Funny how life changes. Nothing ever stays the same. Roles reverse, hair turns gray, wrinkles appear, children grow, parents age, life moves on.

Sometimes I welcome change. I love the changing of the seasons and the way nature dances through each one with such grace. I like the way my hair has lightened into a salt and pepper look. I love that I can depend on Michael's love for me remaining steady and sure no matter how much time passes.

Sometimes I despise change. I hate the way time is marching across my face and body leaving a trail of devastation in its wake. I hate the way the strongest people I know are being buffeted and ravaged by time. I hate that I can't freeze time and keep my children young and safe in my care forever. As grateful as I am that Michael is home a good bit while I am having to work, I am so jealous that I am no longer the one who is home.

It is all a trade off. Nothing remains the same; everything changes.

Love Moves

This is the title of a friend's blog post today. I was captivated and very curious as to the meaning of "Love Moves".

As I read on, I realized it was the definition of Christianity. Their church is engaging in a program that performs random acts of kindness wherever and to whomever, when the oppportunity arises. Filling a total stranger's gas tank, paying for an unknown person's coffee, little gestures such as holding a door for someone, all things that we have all done in some form or fashion. Sometimes we do them anonomously and sometimes we are seen but not known to the unsuspecting recipient of our good deed, but these people are going to perform these acts for people they do not know and then tell them that they are doing this because they are Christians and they follow Jesus and his teachings.

What a great idea! How many times have I taken credit for my good behavior, good deed, helpfulness, generousity, etc.? I have missed the boat! I have tried to make me look good and raise my status in the eyes of society, even piously boasting to others that I did this for Jesus. I totally missed making the recipient of the gesture aware that I was not doing this because I was a good person, but because of the moving, driving force that God is in my life! DUH!

This is a great example of how someone who is brought up right and taught the Bible and who learned that He should get the credit, can STILL miss the boat.

Furthermore, I have learned that when I am frustrated, outdone, stressed, feeling overwhelmed I tend to forget to love others around me, even the people for which I have the deepest feeling of all. It is like I run out of love and that is true. I am only human and I do reach my limit, I do run out of my love for others. What I forget is that I have a well-spring of love overflowing into my life on which to draw and it is endless. I have to remember that I have to give my frustations to my Father and let His love replace all those negatives in my life; fill up those gaps with His unending love. Again, DUH!

Love moves...what a concept!

I love this photo! These little fellas are from some other country. I have no connection to them but the sheer delight and love of autumn weather. The smile on the face of the little man tossing the leaves into the air is utter delight. He exudes joy and it makes me happy to see his face.

I put this on my computer as my desktop so that I can smile all day long at his excitement about autumn.