I keep several journals going at all times. I tell my children they will have such fun after I am gone, just trying to sort out my scribblings and put them into some semblance of chronological order. I leave a journal in the living room, by my bedside, one in the bathroom, and one in the kitchen. I have even thought about leaving one in my car! Thoughts or feelings will suddenly hit me and I feel compelled to write it down, knowing my feeble brain cannot possibly retain all that good information for too long...but my journals can.
Some of my best conversations with God are in those journals. On some pages, I find despair and wretchedness in my voice as I cry out to God for mercy or help. On others, there is pure bliss and gratitude and thankfulness for the goodness that is God and the blessings that He showers on me and my family. Still more, will be filled with angst and worry about some uncertainty in my world. As I flip through the pages of ink marks, inevitably I come across many pages that express my sincere appreciation for answered prayers.
As I was re-reading some of my old entries, I found that there was a pattern to the messages I had penned. In retrospect, I noticed how many of my prayers were nearly immediately answered with a resounding, "Yes". I found that many prayers were answered positively, but not as soon as I would have liked...in His time, my desire was filled. There were several requests that were answered with a flat and final, "No" and those were always followed by a pitiful entry, filled with whining and grumbling and wondering, "Where are you, God?" I felt as if God had let me down.
Looking back at the prayers that were met with negative results, I can now see the wisdom in the denial. I realize how much better things worked out because I didn't have my way. Instead, He had His. His way in His time is soooo much better than mine, because He can see the whole parade that is my life. He sees the beginning and the end and everything in between. He never forgets, like I do. I am learning to trust Him because He loves me and because He knows what is best for me and because He will never let me down. I used to feel as if I had let God down, but I think I finally got the message that HE IS GOD and I can't let Him down...there is not enough power on earth that I could possess to have that kind of effect on God. I can't let Him down, because it is He who holds me up with His righteous right hand.
My journals are a testament to the presence of my Creator, in my life. I can so readily and easily see, what was once so veiled and hidden from my view. I couldn't see the good that He had in store for me, when He told me no. I couldn't make out any good reason why He made me wait for somethings. But when I read my journals, it is like faith, in living color painted across the pages of my books. I see His justice being done on my behalf. I see the love He has for me and the care He takes with my family. I see how at times, He comforted me with dear friends and family members and at other times, He gave me His peace, in my aloneness. I see that when I am sad and weeping in misery, He is rocking me gently, until I am calm again. I see that I matter enough to Him, that He is ever present and ever active in my world. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that He has always been here for me and that He always will be guiding me through this maze called life.
I encourage anybody who wants to strengthen their faith and their relationship with God to talk to Him, in black and white. I guarantee that when you look back through the posts, there will be more to be found, than just a bunch of words. Spoken words are easy to deny, but when you put it in ink, on paper, it becomes evidence of your convictions and makes you accountable, because the written word does not lie. What a priceless treasure to pass on to my children when I leave this earth. Books full of words of love for them and their father and a life map that can guide them to a greater faith in the God I serve. I cannot think of a better legacy to leave in my absence, but my words... from my heart to theirs, from my lips to God's throne.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
The Story of the Cross (not your typical story)
There is a story that tells of a man who has a dream. In the dream, he meets Jesus. Jesus asks him why he is troubled and so burdened. The man replies that it is this cross that he has been asked to carry, it is too heavy. After the man whines a little more, Jesus opens a door to a room that is FULL of nothing but various sizes and shapes of crosses. Jesus invites the man to go inside and choose a cross that is more to his liking. After laying his cross at the door the man makes his way around the room testing and trying each cross to see if it better suits him. One was not sanded and wooden splinters dug into his skin. Another looked really small, but its size was deceiving..it was heavier than any other. The next was too long and awkward, the next too short and dumpy. Then he finally came across the perfect cross...perfect size, shape, weight...and the man looked up to Jesus and told him that this was the one. Jesus smiled and told him that was the cross he had originally walked into the room carrying. As the man scanned the room, he realized that he had indeed, gone full circle and picked up his own cross.
The moral is that often we don't realize how blessed we are and how good we have it, until we look around at the crosses others bear daily. That brings me to my blog message.
Right now, at this moment in time, my life is in upheaval. Not much is going well. Delays in production have all but halted our cash flow and we are in a constant state of waiting...waiting for this glitch to be worked out, waiting for this check to come in, waiting for all other crisis to end so that we can get back to our own nervous breakdown.
Still,in all that turmoil and the worry that has ensued, I am relatively at peace. Some days are better than others. The knot in my stomach is, on a good day, non-existant. On a not so good day, it feels like a white, hot, coal sitting in the pit of me. Today, I am at peace. It's a good day.
I have been reading the blogs that I follow and one group in particular is what I call my inspiration blogs. My "there, but for the grace of God, go I" blogs. They inspire me to not wallow in my self pity. They make me grateful for what I have and take my focus off the things that I don't. The strength of the women who pen these thoughts, motivates me to do more and be more and to live everyday with thanksgiving for what I am and what I have.
And when I take a good, long, hard look at my problems, they dim dramatically by comparison with these good ladies challenges. I am almost ashamed that I have allowed myself to be taken down by the stuff that life has thrown at me, when I know that any one of these women would gladly take my problems...if it meant they could have their child back from the grave and in their arms. If it meant their husband and children were once again alive and living with them, I am sure they would trade in a instant with me. The women who are fighting for their very lives everyday, in hopes of staying alive, long enough for doctors to find a cure. The ones who struggle daily with loved ones who are ill and who feel the strain of care giving 24/7. The ones who just have a really tough time finding a reason to stay here, at all, because of depression and misery. I have no doubt they would trade my penny ante problems for their own, in a NY minute. I have learned as I have grown older, that the calmer I remain, the better off I am. I learned that from these ladies who have and do endure suffering and live to tell about it.
So to these ladies, I express my deepest gratitude. In the sharing of your lives, you have inspired me to keep pushing, don't sweat the small stuff, keep it in perspective, and appreciate my blessings. I admire your bravery in allowing us a peek into your private, personal self, but more than that, I thank you for prompting me to become a better person, through your life stories.
You may or may not know who you are, but if this post resembles you and you are a part of my life...chances are you are who I am talking to. Whether you know it or not, you have inspired me to reach a little higher and walk a little taller and I thank you.
The moral is that often we don't realize how blessed we are and how good we have it, until we look around at the crosses others bear daily. That brings me to my blog message.
Right now, at this moment in time, my life is in upheaval. Not much is going well. Delays in production have all but halted our cash flow and we are in a constant state of waiting...waiting for this glitch to be worked out, waiting for this check to come in, waiting for all other crisis to end so that we can get back to our own nervous breakdown.
Still,in all that turmoil and the worry that has ensued, I am relatively at peace. Some days are better than others. The knot in my stomach is, on a good day, non-existant. On a not so good day, it feels like a white, hot, coal sitting in the pit of me. Today, I am at peace. It's a good day.
I have been reading the blogs that I follow and one group in particular is what I call my inspiration blogs. My "there, but for the grace of God, go I" blogs. They inspire me to not wallow in my self pity. They make me grateful for what I have and take my focus off the things that I don't. The strength of the women who pen these thoughts, motivates me to do more and be more and to live everyday with thanksgiving for what I am and what I have.
And when I take a good, long, hard look at my problems, they dim dramatically by comparison with these good ladies challenges. I am almost ashamed that I have allowed myself to be taken down by the stuff that life has thrown at me, when I know that any one of these women would gladly take my problems...if it meant they could have their child back from the grave and in their arms. If it meant their husband and children were once again alive and living with them, I am sure they would trade in a instant with me. The women who are fighting for their very lives everyday, in hopes of staying alive, long enough for doctors to find a cure. The ones who struggle daily with loved ones who are ill and who feel the strain of care giving 24/7. The ones who just have a really tough time finding a reason to stay here, at all, because of depression and misery. I have no doubt they would trade my penny ante problems for their own, in a NY minute. I have learned as I have grown older, that the calmer I remain, the better off I am. I learned that from these ladies who have and do endure suffering and live to tell about it.
So to these ladies, I express my deepest gratitude. In the sharing of your lives, you have inspired me to keep pushing, don't sweat the small stuff, keep it in perspective, and appreciate my blessings. I admire your bravery in allowing us a peek into your private, personal self, but more than that, I thank you for prompting me to become a better person, through your life stories.
You may or may not know who you are, but if this post resembles you and you are a part of my life...chances are you are who I am talking to. Whether you know it or not, you have inspired me to reach a little higher and walk a little taller and I thank you.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Honor and Respect in the Golden Years
My life (and the lives of my siblings) has been overtaken by the care of our parents, as of late. In the last few years, it has come in spurts, but when it hits, it REALLY takes over our existence as we know it.
My Mama is 86 and my Daddy is about to be 91 in October. What an accomplishment! To be on this earth that long and still be living independently! They are in good shape for their ages and until something goes wrong, they require little assistance. I might have to go change a light bulb that Mama can't reach without climbing on something, etc., but for the most part they are amazingly independent of us.
But as time marches on, they need us more and more. Following a surgery or one of Daddy's accidents, we are there 24/7 caring for them. It is tiring. Let me be honest...it is exhausting. The worry, being on call even when it is not your time to sit with them, the errands, the medication that needs to be administered all. day. long., taking care of their needs and comforts, scheduling our lives around when we need to relieve someone of their shift as caregiver...the list is endless and it is as emotionally taxing as it is physically. But we are there!
We are there, because we love, honor, and respect our parents. Surely, the inconveniences that we caused them, the stress, the strain of raising and supporting 6 children was just as great for them, as our care for them becomes at times, now for us. And not just us, but our children as well. They have invested time in the lives of our little ones, helping to shape them into the wonderful people they are. So it is with a glad heart and a spirit of gratitude for all they contributed to our well-being for all those years, that we freely give our time and attention to them, in these golden years of their lives.
However, we are not spring chickens anymore ourselves and the strain begins to wear us down, as the time drags on and they still need us there. So we have made the decision to seek out assistance. It is a difficult thing for my parents to accept that they need someone there with them, but WE need to feel that they are safe and have someone there to make certain they are doing well. We all have obligations that pull us away from them, children, jobs, life in general, that require us to be able to get back to some sort of normalcy.
So here we are. As my sister says, "It is, what it is" and this is our reality. We can only do the best that we know to do and for now, it is to seek out help, in order to allow them to keep their independence and live together in the home they have shared for over 50 years.
To my siblings...God bless you all for what you do and all you have done for Mama and Daddy. I truly don't know what an only child would do in our situation, but I am sooooo grateful that I don't have to know that first hand. In the midst of this latest turmoil, I know that you tried not to overburden me, because of my recent diagnosis. I know you have taken on the "lion's share" of the labor of love in caring for Mama and Daddy. Words are inadequate to express the appreciation that is in my heart. You made this time so much easier for me and I know that had to be so much more difficult on you. There is not enough I can even begin to say to thank you for your love and support of me. You are the best and I am so blessed to have you in my life.
As I have said before (and maybe,to remind myself)there will come a day when this will all be over and I know that I will wish with all my heart that I could take care of Mama and Daddy once again. As difficult as it can be at times, I know I will miss this so much, when they are gone.
My Mama is 86 and my Daddy is about to be 91 in October. What an accomplishment! To be on this earth that long and still be living independently! They are in good shape for their ages and until something goes wrong, they require little assistance. I might have to go change a light bulb that Mama can't reach without climbing on something, etc., but for the most part they are amazingly independent of us.
But as time marches on, they need us more and more. Following a surgery or one of Daddy's accidents, we are there 24/7 caring for them. It is tiring. Let me be honest...it is exhausting. The worry, being on call even when it is not your time to sit with them, the errands, the medication that needs to be administered all. day. long., taking care of their needs and comforts, scheduling our lives around when we need to relieve someone of their shift as caregiver...the list is endless and it is as emotionally taxing as it is physically. But we are there!
We are there, because we love, honor, and respect our parents. Surely, the inconveniences that we caused them, the stress, the strain of raising and supporting 6 children was just as great for them, as our care for them becomes at times, now for us. And not just us, but our children as well. They have invested time in the lives of our little ones, helping to shape them into the wonderful people they are. So it is with a glad heart and a spirit of gratitude for all they contributed to our well-being for all those years, that we freely give our time and attention to them, in these golden years of their lives.
However, we are not spring chickens anymore ourselves and the strain begins to wear us down, as the time drags on and they still need us there. So we have made the decision to seek out assistance. It is a difficult thing for my parents to accept that they need someone there with them, but WE need to feel that they are safe and have someone there to make certain they are doing well. We all have obligations that pull us away from them, children, jobs, life in general, that require us to be able to get back to some sort of normalcy.
So here we are. As my sister says, "It is, what it is" and this is our reality. We can only do the best that we know to do and for now, it is to seek out help, in order to allow them to keep their independence and live together in the home they have shared for over 50 years.
To my siblings...God bless you all for what you do and all you have done for Mama and Daddy. I truly don't know what an only child would do in our situation, but I am sooooo grateful that I don't have to know that first hand. In the midst of this latest turmoil, I know that you tried not to overburden me, because of my recent diagnosis. I know you have taken on the "lion's share" of the labor of love in caring for Mama and Daddy. Words are inadequate to express the appreciation that is in my heart. You made this time so much easier for me and I know that had to be so much more difficult on you. There is not enough I can even begin to say to thank you for your love and support of me. You are the best and I am so blessed to have you in my life.
As I have said before (and maybe,to remind myself)there will come a day when this will all be over and I know that I will wish with all my heart that I could take care of Mama and Daddy once again. As difficult as it can be at times, I know I will miss this so much, when they are gone.
Monday, August 24, 2009
The Time of Your Life
Autumn. It is my favorite time of year and it is approaching. I am revived and renewed by her cool, crisp nights, and days that feature white, fluffy clouds dancing with the wind in a bluer-than-blue sky. I begin to anticipate the changing colors that bedeck the trees and foliage, the pumpkins, apples, and squash that thrive in the cool temperatures of autumn. She plays hostess to my favorite holidays and I am looking forward to autumn's arrival. There is nothing wrong with that, but...
I realized recently, that I spend a lot of time anticipating things in my life and waiting for things to happen. I waste too much time allowing circimstance to dictate the outcome of my future. I have just eased along life's road and taken what was dealt me without question, without pause, without argument. Oh, I may have mumbled under my breath, but never uttered an audible word.
So, in essence, I have given away my power to happenstance. I don't know when it happened or how it happened, but it happened. I got lost in the shuffle of my life and the chaos that surrounds it. I lost my best friend - me.
The good news is, I am finding her again. The bad news is, she is not the same as the younger version I left behind. It is a whole new relationship that I must forge with her. I do not know this person as well as the person she was before, but I am liking her.
She is not aggressive like the other Girl, but she is more assertive. She is not an angry person who can lose her cool in an instant, but she is more even tempered and shows more respect for those she loves. This new girl is less afraid of living her life instead of existing in it as the other Girl did. She is an adult and not afraid to act like one. She is so much more the person that I want to be. She still has some learning and growing to do, but I really like this person.
I have decided that I have to take care of me. What a silly thing to have to state, in writing or out loud, but I am so good at putting myself last, allowing everyone and everything to take precedence and it has been to my detriment. My diabetes has proven to me that I, and I alone can do what has to be done for me. I MUST do it to live a normal, healthy life. Some may find me selfish and to them I say yes, yes I am. Because I must be to regain and maintain my health.
So, my new mantra is ~ It is my diabetes, it is my life. That is to say, that I fully understand that I contributed to my disease, but I am taking charge of my life to control and manage it, from this point on.
I am focusing on living in the here and now because today, this day is the time of my life and I intend to make the most of it.
I realized recently, that I spend a lot of time anticipating things in my life and waiting for things to happen. I waste too much time allowing circimstance to dictate the outcome of my future. I have just eased along life's road and taken what was dealt me without question, without pause, without argument. Oh, I may have mumbled under my breath, but never uttered an audible word.
So, in essence, I have given away my power to happenstance. I don't know when it happened or how it happened, but it happened. I got lost in the shuffle of my life and the chaos that surrounds it. I lost my best friend - me.
The good news is, I am finding her again. The bad news is, she is not the same as the younger version I left behind. It is a whole new relationship that I must forge with her. I do not know this person as well as the person she was before, but I am liking her.
She is not aggressive like the other Girl, but she is more assertive. She is not an angry person who can lose her cool in an instant, but she is more even tempered and shows more respect for those she loves. This new girl is less afraid of living her life instead of existing in it as the other Girl did. She is an adult and not afraid to act like one. She is so much more the person that I want to be. She still has some learning and growing to do, but I really like this person.
I have decided that I have to take care of me. What a silly thing to have to state, in writing or out loud, but I am so good at putting myself last, allowing everyone and everything to take precedence and it has been to my detriment. My diabetes has proven to me that I, and I alone can do what has to be done for me. I MUST do it to live a normal, healthy life. Some may find me selfish and to them I say yes, yes I am. Because I must be to regain and maintain my health.
So, my new mantra is ~ It is my diabetes, it is my life. That is to say, that I fully understand that I contributed to my disease, but I am taking charge of my life to control and manage it, from this point on.
I am focusing on living in the here and now because today, this day is the time of my life and I intend to make the most of it.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
How Quickly Life Changes...
Welcome to my Pity Party!
I reread my post on June 30th and wondered if I could be any different from that person who exuded joy in trial and faith and trust in adversity. My life was no rosier then than it is now, but we have had some strange turn of events that have altered, hopefully temporarily, my state of mind.
At a yearly check up with my doctor, he asked the usual questions and I obliged him with my answers and at the end of the conversation, he told me that he believes me to be diabetic. I was shocked, to say the least. I must admit that a couple of weeks ago, I made mention to Michael that I wondered if I might have diabetes, but he helped me explain away any symptoms I was exhibiting and I readily agreed with him and so, had put it out of my mind. I won't know with any certainty until the lab work is completed, but I trust my doctor and he has never been wrong before with his pre-lab diagnosis.
I feel so tired today...depression? I feel fearful...uncertainty? I feel overwhelmed...worry? Could I be more different than I was in my last post?
On top of all that, my mama is having a pacemaker put in tomorrow. I got that call this morning while still reeling from the probable diabetes diagnosis. I hate to even type that word...diabetes. I can't think straight, from all this new developement in my life.
School is about to begin and along with the normal chaos, Micah will be home schooling this year. I am sure that after a long talk with myself, I will rally and be fine...I always am, but today, I am just not myself...at all.
Still, I decided to take this bull by the horns, starting this morning. I have lost 21 lbs. since my last check up and that is good, so I decided that I would do my aerobics this morning, in hopes of losing more weight and maybe turn this thing around...50 minutes worth. I also had Splenda in my coffee, but that is the easy part. I now have to learn HOW to eat and what to eat and when to eat and what to stay away from...confusing, at best.
I know millions live with diabetes and have a pretty normal life...I am having to adjust to this "new" normal. I fully expect to experience anger at some point, along with the fear, depression, and worry, just don't know when. Although I know this is manageable, I am not happy about it and I am just kicking myself for putting everyone else ahead of me and letting myself get into this run-down, stressed out, chronic diabetic, shape. I should have taken better care of ME!
Well, thanks for coming to my Party! Hate it was so depressing and troubling, but that is my sentiment today. Hopefully, the next post will see the person that wrote on the 30th of June... all smiles and optimistic about the future...today, I just don't have it in me. Sorry...just full of regret, today.
I reread my post on June 30th and wondered if I could be any different from that person who exuded joy in trial and faith and trust in adversity. My life was no rosier then than it is now, but we have had some strange turn of events that have altered, hopefully temporarily, my state of mind.
At a yearly check up with my doctor, he asked the usual questions and I obliged him with my answers and at the end of the conversation, he told me that he believes me to be diabetic. I was shocked, to say the least. I must admit that a couple of weeks ago, I made mention to Michael that I wondered if I might have diabetes, but he helped me explain away any symptoms I was exhibiting and I readily agreed with him and so, had put it out of my mind. I won't know with any certainty until the lab work is completed, but I trust my doctor and he has never been wrong before with his pre-lab diagnosis.
I feel so tired today...depression? I feel fearful...uncertainty? I feel overwhelmed...worry? Could I be more different than I was in my last post?
On top of all that, my mama is having a pacemaker put in tomorrow. I got that call this morning while still reeling from the probable diabetes diagnosis. I hate to even type that word...diabetes. I can't think straight, from all this new developement in my life.
School is about to begin and along with the normal chaos, Micah will be home schooling this year. I am sure that after a long talk with myself, I will rally and be fine...I always am, but today, I am just not myself...at all.
Still, I decided to take this bull by the horns, starting this morning. I have lost 21 lbs. since my last check up and that is good, so I decided that I would do my aerobics this morning, in hopes of losing more weight and maybe turn this thing around...50 minutes worth. I also had Splenda in my coffee, but that is the easy part. I now have to learn HOW to eat and what to eat and when to eat and what to stay away from...confusing, at best.
I know millions live with diabetes and have a pretty normal life...I am having to adjust to this "new" normal. I fully expect to experience anger at some point, along with the fear, depression, and worry, just don't know when. Although I know this is manageable, I am not happy about it and I am just kicking myself for putting everyone else ahead of me and letting myself get into this run-down, stressed out, chronic diabetic, shape. I should have taken better care of ME!
Well, thanks for coming to my Party! Hate it was so depressing and troubling, but that is my sentiment today. Hopefully, the next post will see the person that wrote on the 30th of June... all smiles and optimistic about the future...today, I just don't have it in me. Sorry...just full of regret, today.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Life is Good!
I am on top of the world today!
Today, I am excited to be alive. I have had a whirlwind summer filled with swim practices and swim meets, VBS, summer school (argh!), sleepovers, lawn mowing, vacation, being taxi to my parents, holiday celebrations, buying school supplies...the list goes on.
As I was reflecting on the last couple of months, I realized how very much I love my life. I love the change of seasons and all the delightful splendor they bring with them. I love that there are challenges to be faced that once endured or overcome, make me a stronger person with a deeper, richer character. I love having time to spend with my children, knowing that sooner than I would like to think, they will be starting out on their own path in life. I love spending time with my parents, gleaning knowledge and wisdom that only persons of their 86 and 90 years can provide. I love that I can find joy and beauty in every. single. day that God allows me to wake up to a fresh start, breathe in and out all day long, and lay my head on my pillow at night, resting in His care and protection. I love that I am such a very blessed woman to have been spared soooo many of life's tragedies...to the point that I am almost 50 years old and I have never experienced real sorrow or excruciating, painful loss.
I love living each day just to experience the wonders that life has to offer. I realize that attitude makes all the difference in how well I live and how much I enjoy, what life has dealt me.
I have hopes and dreams, but if I never achieve making those become reality, I will still say at the end of my life that is has been a good one and that I enjoyed every single minute of it...good and bad. All the life experiences have melded together to make me who and what I am and I can truly say that I like being me!
Yes,I am on top of the world today. Tomorrow may find me in a valley or even a deep, dark pit, but today...I am celebrating life!
Today, I am excited to be alive. I have had a whirlwind summer filled with swim practices and swim meets, VBS, summer school (argh!), sleepovers, lawn mowing, vacation, being taxi to my parents, holiday celebrations, buying school supplies...the list goes on.
As I was reflecting on the last couple of months, I realized how very much I love my life. I love the change of seasons and all the delightful splendor they bring with them. I love that there are challenges to be faced that once endured or overcome, make me a stronger person with a deeper, richer character. I love having time to spend with my children, knowing that sooner than I would like to think, they will be starting out on their own path in life. I love spending time with my parents, gleaning knowledge and wisdom that only persons of their 86 and 90 years can provide. I love that I can find joy and beauty in every. single. day that God allows me to wake up to a fresh start, breathe in and out all day long, and lay my head on my pillow at night, resting in His care and protection. I love that I am such a very blessed woman to have been spared soooo many of life's tragedies...to the point that I am almost 50 years old and I have never experienced real sorrow or excruciating, painful loss.
I love living each day just to experience the wonders that life has to offer. I realize that attitude makes all the difference in how well I live and how much I enjoy, what life has dealt me.
I have hopes and dreams, but if I never achieve making those become reality, I will still say at the end of my life that is has been a good one and that I enjoyed every single minute of it...good and bad. All the life experiences have melded together to make me who and what I am and I can truly say that I like being me!
Yes,I am on top of the world today. Tomorrow may find me in a valley or even a deep, dark pit, but today...I am celebrating life!
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