I Wish It Was Me

I wish it was me lying in the hospital bed. I wish it was me whose immunity was near non-existent. I wish it was me who had to drink the contrasting dye for a CT scan. I wish it was me who was "more scared than I have ever been in my life".

But it is not me.  It is my son. My eighteen year old son who has just gotten his life mapped out.  My young man who has decided to serve his country. I am now wondering if this will effect his ability to do that. I don't think that thought has pervaded his young, invincible mindset. I hope it won't be necessary.

In the wee hours of the morning as reality began to sink in, he told me he had never been so scared in his life. I am thankful he can tell me such secrets of the heart, but I think it is the most heart breaking thing I have ever heard him say.

I must admit...I am just a little scared, too.

I just wish it was me...

Short Timing

Time is running short.  I really would like to slow it down.  I feel very blessed that my children have opted to hang out at home for the most part, with only sporadic stints of being away at camp or spending the night with friends.  The vast majority of the time, they invite their friends to our home and I love that.

But school is winding down and we have reached our last week before summer break.  Normally, I love summer's more relaxed routine and lazy days that stretch into the late evening hours, but this summer begins with Micah attending Forestry Camp for a week and upon his return he will immediately go to drill in Montgomery and at the end of that on Sunday, he begins to prepare to leave for 10 weeks of Basic Training.  I am missing him already.

I know it is good preparation for when he leaves home to make his way in the world and I feel truly blessed that things are working out as they are.  I will have him for one more year of school, next summer he will attend AIT, and then he will be home on many weekends once he starts school at Marion Institute, so I am going to have plenty of time to adjust to his absence, but I am wondering if there is ever enough time to get used to the idea that your child is gone. 

It seems unfair that just as he and I are developing a very good relationship, after all the angst of the teenage years, that he is going to be leaving home.  I know it is as it should be, but that does not make it one bit easier for me to let him go. 

I have loved every minute of being a mama and I have never regretted the decision to do so, but had I known the sadness that accompanies the joy would I have still made that choice?  Absolutely! The good, the joy, the happiness, the achievements, the pride, the fun, and the love have been worth every bit of sorrow, angst, frustration, challenge, and difficulty.

Becoming a mama is one of my greatest achievements and I am beyond proud of my children.  They are great kids and I love them with every fiber of my being.  They have my whole heart.

My soldier has my respect, my admiration, my gratitude, my support, and most importantly, my love, always and forever, no matter what life brings.  I hope he knows that he can always come home and he will be welcomed with open arms and all the love in my heart.

God's blessings on you my son!

I Believe I Found My Smile

I have been through a great deal of tragedy for which I was ill-prepared.  I had few life skills, little self-esteem, no concept of who I am or what I truly believed in, and no idea how to acquire those.  I had physical skills, but not much relationship training, no clear boundaries with those I interacted with daily, and a vast range of emotions that in the end had me stagnant in a sea of fear.  I have never felt so lost in my life.  I have never felt so wretched.  I have never been so frozen.  I have never been so reclusive.  I lived in fear of tomorrow and all it could potentially hold.  I could see very little good.  I knew very little hope. I felt very little joy.  It was a garish nightmare experience that consumed my whole self.

Through circumstances beyond my control, I was delayed in seeking professional help.  Once counseling ensued and medication was prescribed,  I find all that was lost is returning.  I have hope springing eternal once again.  I see some good in even dismal situations.  I feel fear only fleetingly.  I have found my laughter and my smile.  I feel joy, even when nothing eventful is happening in my life.  Mostly, I feel gratitude for my salvation from that dark, lonely place in which I lived for so long.  Having been THERE, I can appreciate HERE so much more.

My challenge now is to continue my therapy and medications, even though I am feeling healed.  I know there is still much work to be done, more skills to be learned, and more issues to tackle.  I cannot imagine a better feeling than I already have attained, but somehow I know there is more, if I just keep searching. 

Life is becoming richer, fuller, deeper, better.  Best yet, it is becoming simpler and balanced.  Once again, I can say "Life is good".  That has been a long time coming. 

All-State Choral Festival 2012

I am completely exhausted after a whirlwind trip to Birmingham for All-State with Callie, but what a great time we had!  It was worth every single minute of lost sleep and time usually spent relaxing that was sacrificed for the benefit of seeing her blossom and grow as she was able to be a part of something so much bigger than herself.

If Callie never gets to go again, it was a great experience made all the more special by a most wonderful clinician, Dr. Sandra Snow.  In only a very small amount of time Dr. Snow connected with every one of the 250 girls in the SSA Choir.  She instilled in them so much more than lessons in music theory and performance.  She touched them emotionally, spiritually, and mentally as she built them up and proved to them how vital they are.  I am encouraged knowing she is traveling the country doing this very thing for thousands of young ladies every week. 

One of the songs Dr. Snow chose to perform was entitled,  Letter From A Girl To The World.  It emphasized the turmoil of a young girl trying to find her way in this big world. 

In my heart there are hopes and dreams and all different beautiful things.
In my heart there's a sunrise glowing and a warmth that holds me there.
Do you know who I am?  Do you really know?
Cause you can't tell from looking at me
That underneath all this happiness inside
There's a part of me nobody sees.
Am I good enough, am I pretty enough?
Will I learn not care what other's think?
Will others see God's love in me?

The above is just a small exerpt from the lyrics of the song that so poignantly and profoundly described the struggles and doubts that challenge a young woman's heart.  Dr. Snow chose these pieces of music specifically for these girls.  She also produced a rousing rendition of Ain't No Grave, a negro spiritual that was powerful and moving.  It was an all-around, well-balanced, education for the ladies who were talented enough to be chosen; the best of the best vocalists in our state.  What an honor for Callie, but an honor for me as well, to be a part of such a trememdous congregation of vocal, instrumental, and educational talent.

Dr. Snow told the girls about studies that performed MRIs of the brain  while viewing and executing certain functions.  The study showed that performing certain tasks such as reading would light up a certain lobe of the brain, video games ignited a different lobe, and TV hardly lit up anything, but she said that when listening to or performing music the entire brain was illuminated.  She told them how music involves every subject in their current academic curriculum.  Physics and Science are used in creating instruments, Math is used in writing musical scores and music theory, English Literature and Language are heavily involved in vocals, and the History behind the music and the era from which each piece originated is key.  Music is so integral a part of our lives and so unappreciated.  I daresay I have never asked anyone, "Do you like music?"  Everyone likes music of one form or another.  Every nationality, every race, every creed, every tribe, every facet of world-wide society knows and loves music of some genre. 

Music is at the heart and in the very soul of us.  The importance of music whether instrumental or vocal cannot not be denied.  Music paints colorful images on the canvas of life and it does not discriminate.  It is a part of us all.

And So It Begins

My recovery has begun.  I started my medication Friday night, I am reading Codependent No More, and trying to be gentle with myself as I sort through this mess I call my life.   I am encouraged.  Elizabeth seems to know what she is talking about and she doesn't let either of us get by with too much.  


I am realizing, I am not crazy and there is hope.  Many others have walked this path and come out on the other side intact and better for the journey.  So much of what is written in this book is so me.  It is as if someone took  excerpts from my journal.


I am not really feeling yet.  I have had some glimpses of emotion, but nothing tangible.  I am told it will take somewhere between 2 and 4 weeks for the medication to kick in.  I suppose it may take that long to feel anything but what has already consumed me.  


I am unsure whether others will understand this or not.  I am not sure I understand it, but it resonates with me as I read about it and that lends credibility to the book and the theory in my eyes.  


Anxiously awaiting spring and new beginnings.  

Blogging to God One

Why don't you rescue me?

 Even as I type I know that answer.  I have seen what my good intentioned rescue attempts have done for my children.  I believe it cripples them when I do everything for them.  On the other hand, it empowers them when I allow them to try, whether they succeed or fail.

The very act of trying builds determination and confidence. It fuels a sense of self and a sense of  accomplishment.   If they succeed, they have gained knowledge and ability that will be useful throughout their lives and when they fall, it is important to be there to help pick them up so they can try it again and even still, they gain knowledge that will be useful later.

Perhaps this is where I feel You have abandoned me.  Maybe I feel as if You are not helping me pick myself up.   I need You to help me put the pieces back together again.  I have fallen and each time I begin to rise something else knocks me down.  Help me put this mess I call my life back in some semblance of order. 

In my head, I know You would not abandon me.  In my heart, I wonder where You are and why You are keeping Your distance.  I know You are there.  Why won't You engage?

With the photos above, I am considering that maybe I haven't fallen, but am trying to escape the fear that is binding me.  Is that what You are trying to tell me?  Are my wings not strong enough, yet?
I sure wish I had more clues so I could figure this out.

Valentine's Day

I am still alive and in fact, happy to report that I am keeping it together through the stress.  I am journaling nearly daily and blogging (of course) when I can.  I am very much looking forward to our appointment on Thursday with the couselors. 

We are still awaiting checks so we can pay bills and get caught up.  Our booth at Hidden Treasures is doing well enough for now. 

I am trying so hard to find the bright spot in each instance.  I am forcing myself to ignore the guilt or shame or whatever it is.  I don't know if that is best, but for now it is necessary.  Until my couselor tells me what else to do with it, at least.

The anger and resentment are still festering, but they are at bay and under control.  I just don't understand why I am such a mess emotionally. 

But today is Heart Day and my life is filled with love and people who care about me.  Michael has been trying really hard to make things better for us.  He just doesn't seem to know exactly what to do and I am no help, because I am just as befuddled as he.  I do appreciate his effort and it has not escaped me.  It does make me feel a little less antsy. 

Here's hoping Thursday brings much relief and assistance.  Just two more days...