And So It Begins

My recovery has begun.  I started my medication Friday night, I am reading Codependent No More, and trying to be gentle with myself as I sort through this mess I call my life.   I am encouraged.  Elizabeth seems to know what she is talking about and she doesn't let either of us get by with too much.  


I am realizing, I am not crazy and there is hope.  Many others have walked this path and come out on the other side intact and better for the journey.  So much of what is written in this book is so me.  It is as if someone took  excerpts from my journal.


I am not really feeling yet.  I have had some glimpses of emotion, but nothing tangible.  I am told it will take somewhere between 2 and 4 weeks for the medication to kick in.  I suppose it may take that long to feel anything but what has already consumed me.  


I am unsure whether others will understand this or not.  I am not sure I understand it, but it resonates with me as I read about it and that lends credibility to the book and the theory in my eyes.  


Anxiously awaiting spring and new beginnings.  

Blogging to God One

Why don't you rescue me?

 Even as I type I know that answer.  I have seen what my good intentioned rescue attempts have done for my children.  I believe it cripples them when I do everything for them.  On the other hand, it empowers them when I allow them to try, whether they succeed or fail.

The very act of trying builds determination and confidence. It fuels a sense of self and a sense of  accomplishment.   If they succeed, they have gained knowledge and ability that will be useful throughout their lives and when they fall, it is important to be there to help pick them up so they can try it again and even still, they gain knowledge that will be useful later.

Perhaps this is where I feel You have abandoned me.  Maybe I feel as if You are not helping me pick myself up.   I need You to help me put the pieces back together again.  I have fallen and each time I begin to rise something else knocks me down.  Help me put this mess I call my life back in some semblance of order. 

In my head, I know You would not abandon me.  In my heart, I wonder where You are and why You are keeping Your distance.  I know You are there.  Why won't You engage?

With the photos above, I am considering that maybe I haven't fallen, but am trying to escape the fear that is binding me.  Is that what You are trying to tell me?  Are my wings not strong enough, yet?
I sure wish I had more clues so I could figure this out.

Valentine's Day

I am still alive and in fact, happy to report that I am keeping it together through the stress.  I am journaling nearly daily and blogging (of course) when I can.  I am very much looking forward to our appointment on Thursday with the couselors. 

We are still awaiting checks so we can pay bills and get caught up.  Our booth at Hidden Treasures is doing well enough for now. 

I am trying so hard to find the bright spot in each instance.  I am forcing myself to ignore the guilt or shame or whatever it is.  I don't know if that is best, but for now it is necessary.  Until my couselor tells me what else to do with it, at least.

The anger and resentment are still festering, but they are at bay and under control.  I just don't understand why I am such a mess emotionally. 

But today is Heart Day and my life is filled with love and people who care about me.  Michael has been trying really hard to make things better for us.  He just doesn't seem to know exactly what to do and I am no help, because I am just as befuddled as he.  I do appreciate his effort and it has not escaped me.  It does make me feel a little less antsy. 

Here's hoping Thursday brings much relief and assistance.  Just two more days...

Vulnerability in Learning

I am preparing Valentine goodies for the most special people in my life.  I am making cupcakes, iced sugar cookies, brownies, and heart shaped cakes.


Not too long ago, I had money to buy gifts for others.  I had much more time at home than I do now, but I wouldn't take the time to prepare something "homemade" because I never felt that was good enough.  My dysfunction has bled into every facet of my life it seems.  


I can see there are lessons to be learned here.  There is opportunity for growth.  I am finding wisdom and prudence in the circumstance that has become my life.  I am proud of that discovery.  It is the difference between thinking I am being patient because although I am waiting, I am grumbling under my breath, as opposed to waiting with a smile on my face, knowing that to everything there is a purpose in God's world and even though I don't understand it, I have the faith to believe it is for my benefit.


Every circumstance in life offers opportunities for learning.  I can choose to sit back, sulk, and ignore them as they march past me, or I can sit up and take notice, then effect a positive change in my attitude and my life.


It is to that end, I am baking up a storm today.  I am using my abilities and giving of my time and energy to show those who matter to me how much I appreciate them being a part of my life.


That may seem small and petty to some, but for me it is a big step.  It feels as if I am putting my very spirit in the hands of someone else to either accept or destroy.  Who would ever think that baking a batch of goodies should be so frightening?  


I will put aside my angst, don my apron, and get to the task at hand.  And for once, I don't need any wishes of luck or prayers on my behalf.  I think God and I have got this one covered.  It feels like a little progress has been made.  Perhaps I can keep moving in this direction for a long while.  

Who Am I

This is the new thinking I am adopting.  The first one I share because I think it not only applies to me, but I need to apply it to everyone I encounter.  I tend to judge my "inside" by other people's "outside".  I forget that behind every smile there lurks an unshed tear.  Beneath every laugh, there is or has been a painful groan.  Everyone has pain.  Everyone has problems and challenges. Everyone has sorrow.  We all learn to mask it well.  I am the world's worst to cover or worse yet, stuff my feelings.  I have made mention that I am a master at being a chameleon.  I can be whatever and whoever I need to be.  I really want to find out who I am.  I really don't know how I feel about many things.  I don't know what is my truth.  I don't know what is real.  I am unauthentic, hiding behind what I think might be what others expect me to be.  I want to be real and authentic.  I believe God made me to be what He wants me to be and whether through environment, genetics, or circumstance, I have lost my way.  

The second picture is to remind myself that I cannot expect to make much headway if I am perpetually criticizing myself and belittling my own existence.  It is my reminder that I am God's child, his adopted daughter and He loves me.  Jesus cares enough that He saved me.  The Holy Spirit is so concerned that He lives within me to give me aid.  I know all this in my head.  I just don't feel it in my heart.  The heart is what He wants, right?  That is such a scary thought to me, but not knowing what is real and true for me, makes me extremely vulnerable to other people's opinions.  I am equally vulnerable to ghosts of the past and the guilt and shame I allow them to inflict on me.  

I am in a very uncomfortable place.  A place where I don't feel worthy, I don't feel accepted (because no one, not even I, knows the real me).  A place where I even wonder how anyone could love me.  I understand they love the person they see, but they have not seen the real deal yet.  I live in fear that one day someone will see me as I really am, perhaps before I know who I really am, and they will find that I am just as worthless as I feel.  Again, my head knows better, my heart?  Not so much.

I am anxious to get back to Elizabeth.  Impatient to improve.  Ready to know who I am and what I feel.  I know it will not be easy.  Sometimes it may not even be pretty, but I am ready to find myself, love myself, appreciate myself, and hopefully my children will see the change and will not be too scarred by my actions prior.

The Battle Between Worry and Peace

The dominoes continue to fall and I am doing my best to right them and stop the onslaught.  I am finding I don't have the tools to be very effective in my battle. 


I am feeling frustrated.  I waited for years, literally years to talk with a counselor just to have an initial session then not get any real relief for another month.  I don't know how much longer I can keep this all together without some help.  


I am fearful.  I am realizing that most of my life has been lived with some form of fear lurking in the background.  That would be why I struggle with worry.  I am more successful now that I ever have been about worrying, but it still nags at me, always there even if it is just nipping at my heels, instead of completely engulfing me.  It is exhausting to try to keep it at bay.   I am trying to cut myself some slack considering the counselor only heard a snippet of my story and already thinks I need medication.  


I despise being so glum and negative. I don't want to go there again.  So I cleaned out my closet, which 1) distracted me from my madness, 2) accomplished a much needed task, and 3) forced me to think of someone else who could possibly be in worse shape than myself.  That is bringing to mind that it could be worse and that somehow, I have got to let God handle this stuff.  I have got to do what I can and let.Him.have.the.rest!  Somehow...

Cognitive therapy begins in earnest...

Struggling...again

Today, I struggle. 

Some days are better and those have been recurring more often lately, but some days are just a struggle to get through.  I want to crawl into my bed and snuggle in for a long nap until things are better. 

It seems this endless cycle of ups and downs is going to continue for a while longer.  What has it been?  Three years?  Three years of this?  I never thought I would be able to survive this long under this tremendous pressure, but I find myself still alive and still kicking, although at times, barely.

The counselor has determined that I am depressed and she believes I will benefit from antidepressant medications.  I guess I am willing to try.  I figure it can't hurt. 

I am weary of the belt tightening ever more and the constant struggle to stay afloat in this ecomony.  We are going to apply for the EBT program.  The worst that could happen is we are turned down.  I really hate the thought of being on public support, but knowing we can feed the family will be a relief and we will be less strapped for funds each month until we can get on our feet again.  I have to keep reminding myself that it is only a temporary thing.

I am trying to keep my attitude positive.  I am realizing how little worry accomplishes.  My circumstance remains the same whether I worry about it or not.  Positive action where I am able to take it, is the only thing that does.  Handing over to God the things that are out of my control is the only option.  I am not a super human and I do not have supernatural powers to control my universe.  This is a hard fact for me to accept, but I know it to be true. 

Just have to put one foot in front of the other, breathe in and out all day, and do what is within my power to keep my world together.  I am forced to rely on others for what I cannot do alone. 

Hard life lessons that I am attempting to pass along to my children.  No man is an island.  We need each other.